Expert: james52144@earthlink.net - 12/28/2010

Question
When I was in high school I was involved in an abusive relationship. On five occasions my boyfriend at that time smacked, chocked, shoved and/or pulled my hair. After these sporadic occurrences he did it in public one time and I had enough and ended the relationship. Why I stayed in the first place? He was going through a lot and I had upset him. He always apologized, but with everyhing he was going through I knew he would snap at times, and sometimes at me.  Four years later I am in a new relationship for the past two years and my boyfriend told me that because I was abused my daughter or son may be more susceptible to being abused or abuse another person. Is that true?

Answer
Dear Ivy

Most of the time people accept abusive behavior because they have been taught that is love, usually by their parents. We also have a low self-image and sometimes believe we deserve the abuse. Furthermore, we often learn at an early age that negative attention is better than no attention, so we subconsciously fall in love with people that believe that abuse is the same as love. These are family traits. We can break these traits with love, patience and boundaries. Good luck.