Expert: Kriss Mitchell, M.Ed, CRC, CNHP - 12/3/2010

Question
I have been married for 20 years.  Over the last 10 years, I now realize that my husband slowly but surely has become more and more controlling and emotionally abusive. We have a 10 year old daughter and 12 year old son. He is always putting us down, calling us names, swearing at us and in general making our lives miserable.  If we don't do things the way he likes them then we are wrong, stupid, idiots, etc.  Our daughter absolutely hates him, and acts out at him constantly - very aggressive.  Tries to show him that he can't bring her down.   She begs me to leave him, and has hinted how she hates her life and wants to die.  I am tired of the abuse, worry constantly about what effects this will have on my kids, but for whatever reason having troubles leaving him.  Why???  I need a push!

Answer
Hi Jo,
Not being able to leave an abusive relationship is quite common as well as frustrating.  Many times women do not leave because they don't have a plan...they have many questions that roam around in their minds that they don't stop to answer.  That leaves them in doubt.  Sometimes there are spiritual reasons, other times it is because they don't believe anyone else will ever love them.

Sometimes what needs to happen is to understand what you are not dealing with that keeps you hooked.  Abusive relationships are just like playing slot machines...the love (payoff) comes at intermittent times and in variable amounts.  This keeps hope alive for change and hope is a very powerful thing.

The truth is that this is having a devastating effect on your children which not only you will pay for but they will pay for.  Your daughter will have definite problems with her attitudes towards men and/or authority figures and your son is learning that this is OK treatment towards women.  Your daughter is already acting out in ways that will impact her in her adult years.  She is so impacted that she wants to die....what more are you looking for?  What else needs to happen in this situation that will make it worse?  

Realistically there are important things to consider before leaving a relationship like this; financial, housing, transportation etc.  It takes a lot of courage to take these steps if you choose to do so, so creating a support network around yourself first will be most helpful.  Usually people outside the relationship can see what needs to be done much more clearly than you may be able to.  They can also give you strength when you feel vulnerable to manipulation that will come your way.

If your husband is not willing to change...and that means taking concrete steps to bring about permanent change, then you don't have many other alternatives but to leave.  I would recommend a couple of things to you.  Invest in some abuse counseling which will help put this relationship into perspective and give you the confidence you need to be able to step out and choose life, better treatment and a more positive environment for your family.  Additionally, I'd like you to visit my blog at www.livingwellcc.blogspot.com and search through the articles there that will help you understand the complexities of these kinds of relationships.  There is a lot of information there and I know you will find something that will help.  Then, you can visit the Library on my website www.livingwellcc.com and download any of the articles there that would be helpful.  There is one called the Cycle of Domestic Violence that you may find particularly enlightening.

20 years is a long time to be married to an individual like this and it tends to wear down your will, your self esteem and your view of life.  I'm sorry that you are going through this, but you are the only one who can make change happen in your life.  I suggest that you do whatever is necessary to empower yourself in this situation and then follow through with the plans you make.

If I can be of any further assistance, please feel free to contact me.  

Blessings,  Kriss Mitchell