Expert: Azure - 12/15/2010

Question
My boyfriend and I have been together for almost 4 years.   We have a 3 year old and a 13 month old.   When we met we were both partying.  Drinking, and he was using crystal meth, which I had used in the past.  I started doing it and we both did it for a couple months.   We realized we were losing everything and stopped completely.   I then got pregnant (after being together for only a few months)   During my pregnancy we had mostly happy times, but every so often he would get drunk and become abusive (mostly emotional)   When my daughter was born it was a very stressful time for both of us and we fought constantly.   He punched holes in our studio apt to where there was no spot that wasn't a hole.   He said he would rather do that then punch me.   (which he did do at times)    We then moved on, and he stopped drinking and went to outpatient rehab.   Since then, he doesn't punch holes anymore, but he is ALWAYS yelling at me and my kids.   He has no emotional maturity and everything is always someone else's fault, he hardly EVER takes responsiblity for the things he does.   He says I cry to much.   He said he wanted me to have an abortion and he never wanted kids in the first place.   He won't talk about anything most of the time, but he says he is depressed and I know he has been abused in his past and has had a REALLY rough childhood, worse than mine - I had an abusive father.   He reminds me of my dad so much, he is always putting me down when he is mad (which is most of the time now)  and now it is starting to affect my children, my older daughter is sad and tells me she just wants daddy to be nice to me and her.   I have asked him to get help, told him to leave.  The problem is I don't really want him to leave, we all love him, but I don't think he is ever going to get any better.   This morning he was raising his voice at my daughter cause she was being bratty.   I asked him as nicely as I possibly could (cause I don't want to fight with him) to please stop yelling and he flipped out even more.   Punched a picture frame and glass went flying everywhere.   He was almost crying he was so upset.   I want to help him but I don't think I can.   He says he gets so mad that he just can't control himself.   He wants to go away and be by himself, but at the same time he doesn't want to leave his family.  I feel like he hates me but he says he doesn't.   I don't know what to do, I hate to give up on him. I can handle all this crap, I am used to it, my dad acted the same way, but I don't want my kids to have to deal with this crap like I had to.   I'm so confused.

Answer
the choices are clear--1) you INFORM him that his abusive behavior is no longer acceptable, and that he immediately get counseling, and that the behavior stops NOW, or it's over, 2)leaving now before it gets worse, or 3) quiet desperation-settling for an unhealthy dependency..your choice..