Expert: Kriss Mitchell, M.Ed, CRC, CNHP - 12/2/2010

Question
Hello. I am a very concerned big brother. My sister has been in a rocky relationship with her boyfriend for the past 5 years. She is a 22 year old, in college, about to graduate and feeling the stress of the transition to adulthood. Her boyfriend has no family, no education, or job prospects and is VERY controlling over my sister. He instigates petty squabbles with her that leave her emotionally crazed. They fight often and, of course, she continues to be in the relationiship with him in hopes that one day he will change.

He calls her on her cell phone, asking proding questions about who she is with, demanding that she tells him where she will be and who she will be with at all times.

I have had enough of the bullshit between these two. All I ever see her is in constant emotional pain whenever the subject of her boyfriend comes up. And it looks like she has grown very strong feelings for him despite how badly he treats her. I had hopes that she would smarten up and quit the relationship and find someone that will really appreciate her and treat her good, but it looks like she is too scared to quit the relationship because it is her first long term one and she's afraid she'll never find someone else to be with. She does not deserve this loser, but how do I convince her of that? How the heck do I get through to her and help her realize that this idiot is only dragging her life down and he will never change? Please Help!

Answer
Hi Kevin,
I certainly understand the pain that you are feeling.  It is such a helpless feeling to sit by and watch someone destroy themselves like this.  Unfortunately there is not a lot you can do.  

You hit the nail on the head when you talked about her self esteem.  Women who don't believe they are worth very much will settle for any kind of attention because even negative attention is better than no attention at all.  It is very difficult to help someone who doesn't want to be helped.

Abusive relationships are very complex.  They play on self esteem, they are addictive as they use intermittent/variable conditioning which is the most addictive conditioning there is.  The best thing I can tell you is to try to get her to some abuse counseling.  Healthy people don't stay in these types of relationships very long.  You might try your local women's center as they have quite a few flyers, statistical information on abuse etc that might help her on an informational level.

I have an article on the Cycle of domestic violence on my website.  www.livingwellcc.com on the library page.  Please feel free to download any of the articles there.  I also have a blog at www.livingwellcc.blogspot.com that is devoted to this type of thing.  There are quite a few posts there that might give you both some information that could be helpful.  

The basic thing that keeps women in these relationships is denial.  They have to deny the behavior, deny who they are and deny the truth in order to stay.  She is young and that age group tends to not understand that there is a better way.  

I hope I have been able to help you.  Please feel free to write me back if you need further assistance.

Blessings,  Kriss