Expert: Eugenia Springer, Ph.D. - 2/2/2010

Question
I'm 22 years old and I have been with my boyfriend for over a year now. I had known him previously for five years as one of my really good friends, but NEVER knew there was this side to him; we are also currently in a long distance relationship.

My boyfriend began emotionally abusing me about a month into our relationship. everytime we fought the insults got worse and worse. he has called me every name under the sun (wh*re, sl*t, b*tch, c*nt) etc etc. He has a horrible temper and blows up at me over the stupidest things. His ex girlfriend cheated on him and this is who he blames for his trust and control issues. He interrogates me all the time about my daily activities. if i go out at night i have to phone him when i get home and tell him exactly where i'm going and with who. Our fights have escalated into physical ones before. Altho he is not the only one that gets physical (when he pushes me or hurts me i would sometimes push back or throw things at him), however i have been left with marks and bruises before. Although he has never punched or hit me per say, he has pushed me, wrestled with me, choked my neck before. I find myself feeling constantly anxious all day, worrying that he will get upset with me for one reason or another. I walk on eggshells around him but can't seem to do anything right. I cant even talk to any1 about this, it has been going on for so long and ihave talked to my friends about it so much that they don't want to hear it anymore because it upsets them that i am in the relationship and condoning his actions in a way. We broked up before christmas for a month. We eventually got back into contact and then met up after 6 months of not seeing eachother. he seemed like he genuinely felt like crap without me in his life, and i also really missed him so we decided to see where things went. at the beginning we seemed to be making progress, but the cycle is starting all over again. He has trouble with his dad who he hasnt spoken to for 2 years, and who he recently had another fight with. He is using this as an excuse to take back control. Even tho i have told him im not sure what i want yet, he seems to think its ok to start emotionally abusing me all over again - despite his promises not to.

When we broke up a few months aog he said really horrible things to me, (that he was texting another girl and wanted to have sex with her regardless of whether or not i was still with him). he apologised for saying this but said he was only trying to hurt me so i would break up with him. I have found inappropriate messages from him to friends of his before and although i know he has never cheated on me i just take this as another sign that he doesnt respect me at all, even in private. One minute hes the sweetest guy in the world, the next he is a monster. Although i am beginning to hate and resent him, for some reason i just cant let him go. he was in my life as a close friend for five years, and when i fell in love with him, i fell hard. I kno i should break it off but i dont know how. It seems like all my happiness is pinned on him and its really bothering me. Im not a weak person by any means but he brings all the insecurity out in me. After the cycle of verbally abusing me, calling me stupid, worthless, treating me without respect and not trusting me etc i am beginning to really get depressed, anxious and doubt alot of things about myself. I know he is sick, but he is in denial and everytime i bring up him getting help he gets really angry or ignores it. I just cant seem to get through to him and the whole situation is making me sick. The fact that he is now using his dad as an excuse to restart the power control in the relationship is really bothering me - especially after all i have put up with for him and after being there for him. I am at a really vulnerable phase in my life right now and need to concentrate on more important things, but he is like an anchor holding me down and stopping me from living my life. I feel like he doesnt support me at all and at this point i dont even know what a healthy relationship is.

I need to know how to deal with this. I just don't know if i can get through to him at all, even though i love him alot and want to be with him, i just don't kno how much longer i can deal with this. I am prone to depression and given all the other circumstances bringing me down right now, he is the final nail in the coffin which is making me spiral out of control. I'm scared i am going to start harming myself again, and i am very emotionally unstable right now. i feel i have nobody to turn to and the only person i would want to turn to is scaring the death out of me. i just dont understand why i am in love with a monster, and if he is such a horrible person, y is it so hard for me to let him go? surely it should be the easiest decision in the world? at the end of the day, i know it has come down to me or him. altho i care deeply for him, i am genuinely worried about my longterm health if this continues. i dont want him out of my life but i just dont think he is ever going to change, at least not with serious therapy which he will not get under any circumstances. being long distance is also adding unecessary strain to an already bad situation.

Please tell me what to do
and
i would really appreciate if somebody could explain to me what to expect from a normal, HEALTHY relationship with a partner who really cares
im so confused and upset

Answer
Angel,

Yes, your boyfriend has serious emotional issues; too serious to allow him at this time to be in a mutually caring, mutually respectful relationship.  But the fact that you are in this relationship, displaying so much lack of self-appreciation, indicates that you also have big emotional problems.  Your problems are not caused by this gentleman.  They stem from your own damaged sense of self.  You can do corrective work, but that work needs to be done by yourself. Your basic problem has nothing to do with this man.

You are not now displaying the emotional equanimity that can help you cultivate a healthy relationship.  And certainly this man is not ready for a healthy relationship.  He is distracted by personal pain that has nothing to do with you.  His life is not about you.  It is about his perception of who he is and how he has been treated.  I wish you can understand that he is not emotionally available, and although he knows this, he perhaps lacks the emotional fortitude to decide to hold off on relationships until he gets his act together.

You should be in therapy, for at least a few months. until you understand the nature of your problem, and focus on helping yourself.

I am suggesting that you start writing about your life.  Tell your story.  What is hurting, what brings joy, what you have repressed, what you are trying to forget; what you resent, just say it all.  Write spontaneously, and honestly.  If you feel like erasing something you have written, don't erase, just pour your deepest feelings out on paper.  Or, on the computer.  Send it to me as an attachment.  I am a very busy woman, but I will take the time to read it, and give you feedback.

Meanwhile, google, codependent relationships, and read everything you can find on the topic.  Focus on helping yourself.  Practice respecting and honoring your self.

Eugenia Springer
dreugenia.springer@gmail.com