Expert: james52144@earthlink.net - 2/11/2010

Question
My daughter has been married for 10 years now,and has a son of 9. About 4 weeks ago, we found out that her husband has been physically abusing her for about 5 years now, after she found out that he was watching pron at work all day long and at home as well. She went to her brother after he had hit her again while their son was in the house!

My husband and I tried everything to them away from him, sent her to a psycologist,as well as our grandson,who told her that she should leave him immediately! We are scared he will kill them all.

We also got her to go and see a divorce lawyer.

Now , after running around telling lies about her, cursing all of us,
he has started crying and blaming himself, and she took him back!

Now, to me it seems he has made her up against us, that doesn`t matter to me, I am just confused about how I should act - they still expect me to go and pick up the little boy at school and help him with his homework. and not bad-mouthing his father - while I can see the uncertainty and heartache in his little eyes.

My son in law called me a "mad cow" when I said to him to come and hit me instead of my daughter ,and chased me out of his house!

I do not feel like even looking at him, or helping hs child with home work, though I am SO sorry for my grandson!

Please tell me what to do!

Answer
Dear Elsabe

The next time he hits anyone, you could call child services and get the police involved. As far as contact with him, I think you should stay away from him. As far as your grandson is involved, all you can do is love him and should him what a loving parent is like. It sounds like your daughter has battered spouse syndrome, which is difficult to deal with. They have a fantasy that their spouse will eventually love them if they are nice enough. You may want to talk to a family counselor for some ideas of how to proceed.