Expert: David Simonsen - 2/25/2010

Question
I successfully left my (verbally, emotionally, and financially) abusive husband after 18 years. I have been on my own and sharing the kids with him for a few months now. He says he has changed and says I am too bitter and hurt to see the changes. I know he still is making the same choices and error in judgement despite what he says. When we interact to exchange the kids or on bills if I disagree we argue like we used to when I lived with him. I am not rolling over and playing dead anymore I stand up for myself. He seems charming and reasonable when I see him but frequently I hear things "back channel" through the kids like ("if I divorce him he will destroy me financially", "I pay support for the kids and to pay bills so I have no business getting my nails done"). I don't trust him. When I hear the comments from the kids I dont really say anything and it just makes me more defensive towards him. He keeps claiming that he has changed but I still see the same old tricks--I get the feeling he is on his best behavior and trying to get me back into control but I know, now that I am out of the tornado of living with him, that I know I cant go back, ever. I am concerned how he will react when he knows I am not coming back. Is there a chance he may change or is he just playing a game to get control back on his terms? My gut tells me don't trust him--for now that is what I am going on.

Answer
Kelly,
I don't pay attention to words generally. I pay attention to action. If the actions that he is showing you is like the past then he probably hasn't changed much. Focus on your own life and raising your kids and let him believe whatever he believes. At some point you may have to deal with him, but delay that as long as possible. In the meantime I would suggest you start planning things to make an official break without him or your kids knowing. This would mean separate bank account you are funding etc...
David
www.help4life.net