Expert: Kriss Mitchell, M.Ed, CRC, CNHP - 2/3/2010

Question
My friend's fiance is controlling him and I don't know what to do: I can't stand back and watch it happen anymore. I'm female which causes some problems because, even though I have no romantic feelings for my friend (I see him as a brother), his fiance doesn't trust him to be near me, or me to be near him. He is a happy, hyperactive, fun-loving guy, and enjoys nothing more than a laugh with his mates, but when ever his fiance is there he seems flat, empty, completely drained. If he sits next to me (or another of his female friends) she will text him, telling him to sit next to her. She won't let him go around to a friends house unless she is there; if he doesn't meet her from work, she goes in a mood and even shouts at him; she checks his inbox (both text and email). When she doesn't know where he is, and he doesn't text her back when she inquires, she texts all his friends until she gets an answer. When my friends and I go out on the town drinking, she won't let him join us unless she is there, saying there are a couple and should go together (yet she goes out without him being there). If he starts having too much fun with his mates, she'll say that he's ignoring her and makes him sit with her. If she has had too much to drink, he looks after her, takes her home. A few weeks ago, my friend had too much to drink (I think they had an argument that morning) and needed to go home, but no matter how many times I told her (he was barely concious) she said no, she wanted to dance some more.
 I really care about my friend and can't bare to watch him being controlled - neigh, suppressed - by his fiance anymore. I'm sorry that this is long, and I hope you can help. Thank you in advance.

Answer
Hi Neena,
It is always easier to see this kind of thing from the outside than it is from the inside.  Much of what you are describing is control and domination, which are traits of what often ends up as abuse.  

I don't know if you have been able to speak candidly with your friend, but you may want to do that and just be clear about what you are seeing.  Ultimately the decision will be up to him as to what he does with the information, but you have done a good deed and shared your viewpoint.  Part of this is his issue as well since he is allowing himself to be controlled.  Although it may not be as simple as this, what he might do is just stand up to her and let her know she needs to stop keeping such close track of him because she is damaging the relationship.  

On the other hand, your friend's fiance is very insecure and really should get some professional help with regard to her issues.  If she does not, they will more than likely get worse.  Your friend might suggest couples counseling, which is always an option.  However, if his fiance is unwilling to go, there may be little that can be done other than setting boundaries and eventually leaving the relationship if there are no changes.  

Definitely what is happening will only become worse over time, so the time to make decisions about the quality of this relationship is now.

Thanks for writing and if I can be of any further assistance, please feel free to contact me again.

Blessings,  Kriss
www.livingwellcc.com