Expert: Eugenia Springer, Ph.D. - 2/20/2010

Question
I have been living with my boyfriend for a year. I quit my job at a bar becuase he wanted me too. He would not let me seek any further employmeent until he was laid off two months later. i worked until he recieved a job with another pipeline company. i traveled with him for six months in arkansas staying in a motel or a camper never leaving. if i asked to go home to my familys for the weekend he would accuse me of just wanting to go to the bar. as we stayed together it has gotten worse. he now hold the title to my truck and my phone is under his name. i want out. but how will drive an hour to work without a truck, how will i take a shower with the house i don't have. please should i stay with him or should i just leave and not say anything to him. i just want to be happy again i am only 19 he is 27 with a duaghter and ex-wife i wasnt ready for such a challage. Please god willing may you be the answer i needed to push me to one side of the fence

Answer
Sharon,

If I tell you what to do, then if things do not work out, you could blame me, or whoever else gave advice.  You must look at your life and recognize that you are in a controlling relationship. I must acknowledge however that because of your youth and relative inexperience, you might not recognize the grave danger you are in.

You are in an abusive relationship.  The abuser characteristically tries to isolate the victim from all support systems -- from friends, family, church, or any other group or persons that might alert the victim to the fact that she/he is being abused.

In this case, you are the victim.

The abuser sometimes goes as far as to appropriate to himself/herself, property, and rights, of the abused.  So your truck, your phone, and your freedom to come and go as you please.

One thing the abuser has on his/her side, is the submission of the victim to this rule of terror.

You must ask yourself, what is the payoff, and is it worth the trade-off.  Evidently, you have awakened, and realized that there is nothing for which you want to barter your personal freedom; there is nothing for which you want to trade in your right to decide on your choices.

I won't dare tell you what to do, but if I were in your place, I would run as fast as I can from that situation, leaving truck, phone, and fear, behind.  But, if possible, I would alert the police first; and be careful about how much information I would give out.

Thank God you did not have a child with this man.  That would have just given him one more hold over you.  As it is, he has no hold on you.  You are free.  Did you hear that?  You are free--free to give your power to this man, or stay in control of it, and get out of his life.

Blessings.
Dr. ES