Expert: Kriss Mitchell, M.Ed, CRC, CNHP - 2/8/2010

Question
QUESTION: My husband and I have been married for almost seven years and we have been together for eleven. He has been verbally abusive for most of the time we have been together. He used to yell about the house not being clean enough or not being organized in the "right" way. It got worse after the birth of our first child. He started calling me names, etc. A year ago I told him it was over unless he went to counseling. I was ready for it to be over but he shocked me and went to counseling. It didn't really help the problem, just made it longer between the anger bouts. Then in May of last year, we went on vacation and he flipped out over something small and stupid like getting take out. So I decided the next time he flipped out like that, I was going to leave. Well that time came three weeks ago and I said it was over. He was devastated, promised to try going to a new counselor so he came with me to see my counselor and she recommended a woman who specializes in trauma. (My husband was abused as a child - verbally and physically). This new therapist has helped him to understand why he flipped out in the past and what his triggers are. He has definitely made some changes; he is helping out more and is apologizing for what has happened. However, it took me a LONG time to be okay with leaving and now I feel like it might be too late. I don't know if I can love him like I did before. I know I could be happy on my own but I have two small children and I feel bad leaving now that he seems to be changing...

ANSWER: Hi Suzy,
One of the things that I tell my own clients is that when you are looking at an abusive situation, you kind of have to imagine a line....with negative 100 on the left, positive 100 on the right and 0 in the middle.  When the abuse eases up and hopefully stops, that only brings the relationship to 0, then there is more work to do in order to do the things that repair wounds, establish trust and bring the joy back into the relationship so that it moves to positive 100.

It is outstanding that your husband was able to find a therapist who is truly able to help him.  Child abuse is a horrible thing and trauma causes many adverse reactions so I am very, very happy that he is able to find the help that he needs to be able to function in a less destructive way.

With that being said, the reality is that often in these relationships help just comes too late.  The abuse has gone on so long that one or both spouses have detached from each other and the relationship can't be repaired.  If that is where you are, there is nothing wrong with that.  You can applaud his healing, but recognize that you aren't in a place where you can put it back together.  Honestly, it will take a long time before you know that he has healed, and it will take him a good length of time to be able to learn new "social skills" so that he can become a safe person for anyone to be in a relationship with.  Sad to say, you are in a very common situation.  Usually the male in the relationship is so out of touch that they don't see what is happening right under their noses.  When the break comes, then they panic...do anything, say anything to make what is happening stop.  At least he has truly found help...that is the good thing here.

At this point Suzy, whether you decide to stay or go, I want you to know that either decision is acceptable and there is no condemnation either way you go.  You just have to decide whether the relationship is too broken for you to repair on your side.  If it is, then leave.  If you aren't sure and need to separate, that is always an option as well.  This is a decision you may want to speak to your counselor about.  She can help you process through the doubts and insecurities.  I just want you to know that there is no reason to feel guilty, either way.  You choose what is best for you, and then you will be able to be a good mother to your children.

I truly wish you the best and if I can be of any further assistance, please feel free to contact me again.

Blessings, Kriss
www.livingwellcc.com

---------- FOLLOW-UP ----------

QUESTION: How can I know if the relationship is too broken or if I am truly detached? Deep down I think I want to leave but I don't know if I feel that way because that's what I should do or if I am just looking for the easy way out...

Answer
Hi Suzy,
These situations are different for each person.  Let me give you a perspective -

Attachment and detachment was discovered through a study done in England during WWII.  Children were routinely brought to orphanages either because their homes had been destroyed, parents killed or something traumatic had happened that they needed more care than the parents could give at the time.  Routinely, when the children first arrived, they would be quite distraught when the parents would leave...they maintained a hope that the next time the parents came they would take them home.  Visit after visit, the hope disappeared and the child would become disillusioned and fall into a despair where they wouldn't interact with the staff or the other children.  People thought that this phase was the one to be concerned about so they were quite relieved when the child began to pull out of it, which they eventually did.  However what would happen would be that the child wouldn't be as excited to share their activities, drawings etc with the family when they visited and when the family would leave, the child didn't react...they just went out to play and carried on.  The staff thought they had adjusted, but really what had happened was that the child had detached from the family.  

In the first phase, the child was protesting by crying, talking, acting out etc and even in the despair phase, they continued to protest, but in the 3rd phase which was detachment, they stopped protesting and didn't seem to be as effected by the comings and goings of the family.  
On some level, that is what you have done.  You have gone through the process and have finally arrived at the place where it is OK to leave...you've stopped protesting, you've handled the despair and finally came to a peace about your decision.  

In regard to your last statement...looking for the easy way out....I was somewhat surprised that you would describe leaving in that manner.  Leaving is not the easy way out, it is the most wise course of action.  For example, if someone was hitting you in the head with a hammer, would you stay in the same position and allow that to happen because to move away would be "too easy".  No, I don't think so.  

Leaving is one way of establishing a boundary that says, I will not be treated in this manner any more.  If you treat me this way, you will not have my added presence in your life.  I am a valuable person and I will not tolerate less than respect and honor in my life.  One thing to consider is that if you stay and continue to be treated badly, what does that say to your children?  Teaching your children how to maintain their dignity and respect is part of your job as well.  What are you modeling for your children and what do you want to model for them?  Those are good questions to ask yourself.

Thank you for following up.  If you go to my website www.livingwellcc.com and look under library, you will find some articles that may be of help to you.

Blessings,  Kriss