Expert: Azure - 3/3/2010

Question
QUESTION: Hello,

My previous marriage was extremely physically and sexually abusive. When I left that marriage it was with the help of my current husband. We got together very quickly despite me knowing that I needed time for myself to heal and get help. Within two years we were married and had a daughter.
I had recently been very unhappy in the marriage and ended up having an affair with a good friend which is ongoing. I told my husband that I had cheated ( I didn't say that it was continuing ) and that I wanted a divorce. He flew into a rage and choked and punched me twice. He then got suicidal and then told me he wanted to work on the marriage.
So to pacify him, I have agreed to counseling but have no intention of remaining in the marriage. He won't move out or give me space and I'm afraid that if I take our daughter and leave, he'll hurt himself. I simply won't stay with a man who hit me after my first marriage, no matter how badly he feels about it.
What is the best way to get out of this marriage???

Michelle

ANSWER:  the man should have been arrested/jailed; make an exit strategy that includes living arrangements, perhaps a restraining order, seeing an attorney, counting on friends and/or family for support--as to his feelings or what he does, not your responsibility, and not terribly relevant when making decisions as to what's best for you and your child..

---------- FOLLOW-UP ----------

QUESTION: I've told my husband that we need to sell the house because neither of us can afford it if one of us moves out but he refuses to take those steps until we've done some counselling. How can I plan an exit strategy if financially I can't afford to pay for the mortgage on our house plus somewhere safe for me and my baby to live? I don't have any family in the city I live in and I don't want to move because I have a pretty good job here.

Answer
you may have to sacrifice something to gain something greater--in this case, the safety/freedom of leaving town may be well worth the job loss; as to the financial legalities, that's where the attorney comes in; if you feel fearful in telling him because of the abuse, counseling will NEVER help, go along with the ruse while planning the exit strategy...