Expert: Azure - 3/24/2010

Question
My boyfriend and I have been living together for over two years, and it has been stressful for me much of that time. In the past, he has told me he is ashamed to be seen with me, as I was 25 pounds overweight. Lately, though he mostly complains that the house is messy, despite the fact that he is as much to blame as I am. When we disagree, or he gets angry - which is fairly often - he gives me the silent treatment & withholds affection for days at a time. I can't believe I just wrote that as if it normal. I know it is not. He is not close to anyone, except me, and many people don't like his rudeness & personality. It seems that a lot of people have treated him badly and given up on him. I do not want to be one of those people, however, he recently refused to attend a wedding in which I was the maid of honor. It meant a lot to me, but he did not go. He then blamed me for "guilt-tripping" him when I said how much I wanted him to be there with me. I know this is abusive, and that he has a problem - not just abuse but being anti-social in general. Also, we have been planning a long trip together, and that's one of the reasons I stay with him. I would like to ask him to change and to get help, or else I will have to end the relationship. Do you have any advice on how to approach this? I am usually not big on ultimatums, so this is hard. Plus, I realize I am afraid to lose him. Any help is appreciated!

Answer
as u know, fear of loss is not a good reason to remain addicted to an unhealthy relationship; if u had to make 2 columns, i think the "don't like" stuff would far outweigh the "like", and that you're still in this mainly because of personal insecurities;  
   the word ultimatum has been given a bad rap--there's nothing wrong with clearly spelling out the available choices; in this case, you INFORM him that the current situation is no longer acceptable, and state what the new REQUIREMENTS are in order for you to remain in this, one of which could be couples counseling; if he refuses, then it's letting this go, starting a new life, or more quiet desperation..