Expert: james52144@earthlink.net - 3/25/2010

Question
QUESTION: Hi, I am a 40 year old man, I recently started a long distance relationship with  woman whom I have known for over ten years, she is two years younger than me. We both got into the relationship with a clear understanding that marriage was the end goal.
For the first several weeks of the relationship which occurred online, everything was great. I flew to see her for a weekend, and had the most wonderful time, both of us did. We decided that the next step would be for her to come visit me for a few days, and we would then discuss the logistics of making our relationship non-long distance.
Since then it's been nothing but rocky, and down hill, starting from the moment she dropped me off at the airport. She has been abusive and hostile to me a very good percentage of the time. She started playing the most childish mind games. I feel that she refuses to accept happiness, and her way of dealing with that is by trying to take complete control. She seems to focus wholly on my problems, and refuses to look inward, and fix her own.
We've broken up a couple of times, cancelled a couple of trips over this, at least in my mind it's over this, she of course doesn't get that. We are currently in a break-up, and have said some very nasty things to each other, but both of us are absolutely heart-broken. I spoke to an old friend yesterday who dated her years ago, he said that he thought that she would have changed by now, that he thought we were going to be good for each other.
Do you think this woman will ever change? I know it's a tough question, you don't know her. Do players ever stop playing? I love her with all of my heart, we were like magic together, I never experienced anything like it before, but I cannot play the games.
Thank you for your time, I know my question was a bit long.
Aaron

ANSWER: Dear Aaron

You have to accept the fact that this is as much about you as it is about her. You state "you love her with all your heart" but "I cannot play the games." These are mutually exclusive statements. The question is will you ever change?

---------- FOLLOW-UP ----------

QUESTION: I thank you for your prompt response, you are right of course. I suppose that I mean, I don't know how to play the games. I have in the past been lucky, or unlucky enough to date woman who are perhaps less complex, but then again none of those relationships have ever been as serious as this one. I think a big part of the problem is that we did not have a proper courtship in which to subtly learn each others buttons, and boundaries. We pretty much jumped in full throttle, and when problems arise they arise just intense. I guess we never learned to fight in a constructive manner, the end result is we abuse one another instead of helping each other grow.
What steps can I take to learn and understand her game, and respond in a constructive manner? We are both defensive people by nature, and both of us obviously offend in our defensiveness. I have a hard time defusing those moments, and they escalate. Do you have any suggestions for this?
Thanks again for your time and consideration.
Aaron

Answer
Obviously some aspect of your behavior directly or indirectly reminds her of some event in her past which was unpleasant. When she is nasty or unkind, ask her what she is feeling in that moment and what happened in her past to make her feel that way. If she responds that it is your behavior that is making her angry or miserable, then identify exactly what the behavior is and change it. Good luck.