Expert: Azure - 3/9/2010

Question
QUESTION: My husband is 55. I am 49. He has 2 teenagers 16 and 18 that live with their mother. My husband has been known to be a name caller. He sets very strict boundries as to what is and is not acceptable behavior for me, yet I do not seem to be able to set boundries on what I feel is and is not acceptable behavior for him or his kids. I think I could deal with him and things would be ok, but those kids.....I frequently hear how his kids hate me and they will not come over to visit. I don't understand why. I never did anything to them to make them  hate me. Therefore, I know it is him that has been talking to them about me. For the past 9 months he has spent a lot of time with them out having fun and trashing me behind my back. Frankly, you could almost consider this an emotional affair he is having with his children. They may as well be the "other woman". They only hear his side to our situation. Of course they would see me as a bad person. They most likely are telling him how great he is and how he does not deserve to be treated so badly by me. I tried to intervene and reestablish a relationship with them. They refuse and have also become verbally abusive to me. I put my foot down with them and told them I would not tolerate their disrespect, yet in reality I know I don't have a leg to stand on. They can and will treat me however they want as long as I do not have the support of my husband backing me up. I have told my husband he has to support me and whether they like me or not they have to be respectful to me and my home. This of course would mean he would have to stop trashing me behind my back as well. I have told him that I need the foundation of our home and family to be he and I. He and I being the foundation that supports the children rather than what I feel it is which is he and these brats being the foundation to this home and me being an unnecessary detail other than my financially support. This is never going to work is it? Why does he not realize that all this would crumble without me. I am a reg nurse and work full time. I am capable of taking care of myself. However we have a nice home and money is tight so one of us leaving is going to be a financial disaster. I wish there was something I could do. I feel powerless to fix this. I pay the mortgage and most of the household contents were mine before we got together. We have been married only 3 years. I am hesitant to leave the house and all my belongings to him and these brats of his. I know he would never ever leave. He has it too good here. I guess the only thing to do is pack up my stuff and walk out on this mortgage. Leave him in an empty house with a foreclosure looming over his head. I am aware that this would ruin me financially as well. Sad that this is the only answer....isn't it?

ANSWER: so if they don't come over to visit, when do you see them?..when u voice your concerns to the husband, what's his response?..anything good about the relationship?

---------- FOLLOW-UP ----------

QUESTION: I don't see them. I have not seen them in about 9 months when all this started to go bad. for the last 9 months my husband has repeatedly told me (during his verbal abuse episodes)that his kids hate me, they won't come over because of how I am...that sort of thing. I got tired of hearing this so I sent them kind emails asking if we could get together and fix this gap that has been caused between us. I told them that I need and want to have a relationship with them.
In the past I have always been good to them. I have a great sense of humor and we used to joke around, and I have bought them some nice gifts for christmas and birthdays that they never would have gotten from either of their parents.
My reputation got trashed by my husband. I think he was talking to them about our personal problems and how "mean" I was when he was out having fun with them all last summer. He spent every weekend on some adventure that I was not included in. So answer to your question, I don't see them. I responded to their not liking me through an email. email only.
When I voice these concerns to my husband, he tells me I brought this on myself because of my behavior. This is his verbal abuse. He says mean things to me, treats me like a child, does not allow me to voice my opinion about ANYTHING. Before, when this all started and I did not realize what was happening to me, I would yell back at him to be heard. I would return his name calling with name calling....After everything was said and done he would remember my behavior ONLY and discribe himself as a victim of my abuse. Now I don't say anything. I am in counciling for domestic violence and I have seen an attorney. I am reaching out for as much advice as I can get because when this sort of thing happens to you, it really messes up your head and sense of thinking. I am at the point where I feel the only answer is to walk out with my belongings and leave him with an empty house and forclosure looming over his head. This would ruin us both financially. Of course I really love my husband. I remember him as the man I fell in love with. I would give anything to have him back. That man I fell in love with makes an appearance from time to time and those days are wonderful. I will miss him if I am not able to come up with some other plan.

Answer
sounds like the children issue is the LEAST of it, that this relationship has been over for while, and that essentially you're in love with a memory; between the counselor, you an the attorney, an appropriate exit strategy should be workable, with something lost, something gained; usually in these cases, the house is put up for sale, or if he won't leave, he buys you out; in any case, i doubt remaining for a preferable financial situation is worth settling for a lonely life of quiet desperation..totally disrespectful rating--just because you don't like the message, isn't reason to blame the messenger..until you can accept the realities that i specified, then take action, you will continue in your misery....