Expert: Eugenia Springer, Ph.D. - 3/12/2010

Question
I have been with my boyfriend for a year and a half now and we are very serious. We have been talking recently about moving in together and so I have been thinking seriously about our relationship. Pretty much since the beginning he has been very interested in what i was doing. He would want to know where I was going to be and with whom and he would want me to let him know when I was back home. He would also monitor my phone calls and texts for signs that I might be talking to another guy. In the beginning I didn't realize anything was wrong but then I got tired of being accountable at all times of the day and told him he had to stop. He has been trying to change for me ever since.

He seems to be a lot better than he was in the beginning but something is still not right. I feel like many would consider me an independent woman and definitely not passive. So when he behaves in the way he used to, it makes me very mad and I refuse to tell him what he wants to know. Lately the issue has been surrounding the fact that I often like to go out with my friends (without him only because he lives an hour away and can't join us) and he has been making me feel guilty about going. He says I don't care that it makes him uncomfortable and that I am disrespectful of him because I go out anyway. He also has gotten very mad when I told him I was wearing a certain pair of jeans out because he thinks they are too tight.

So my question is: Do I need to compromise and not do things that make him "uncomfortable" or  is he being controlling? If it is the latter, what should I do??

Answer
Jamie,

Why did you write this letter?  Is it to just find out if he is controlling?  If that was your intent, then let me confirm what I think you already are aware of.  The answer is yes.  But there is more to your question, isn't there?  You know that you are about to enter a very troubling and troubled relationship, don't you?

Jamie, you are walking into a frightening situation.  Very frightening.  This man might not be able to help being the way he is.  His, from your description, does not come over as a healthy mind, at all.  If you are an independent woman, and he is a rigidly controlling person, let me put it simply, you two, together, could trigger off such a collision that somebody could die.

You are getting here, my gut response to the message I am reading.  Do you know this man's background?  His history?

Why not go and talk with a psychotherapist, and get a clearer picture of what is happening with your thinking process why you apparently are so consciously walking into what could mushroom into a nightmare.

The moment is yours, Jamie.  You are at crossroads.  The way you choose to go would determine what tomorrow would be like for you.  Talk with your inner guide.  Silently, consistently, ask for guidance.  Take time to stay in touch with the subtleties of intuition, and follow your inner indicators.

Blessings.

es

......

Jamie,

Thanks for your rating.  Admittedly, I did not linger long over your letter before responding to it, and even I found it was brief and did not address all two or three of your questions, especially the one on should you compromise.  But I looked at what I said and felt satisfied that I had addressed the problem head on.  As you might be aware, we have several individuals here at Allexperts.com who are capable of addressing your issue.  I won't be offended if you take your question to any of them.  The important thing is that you get the help you are looking for.
Dr. ES