Expert: David Simonsen - 3/12/2010

Question
Dear David,

I was hoping you could maybe help me out. I am 16 years old and absolutely fed up with my mother. There is so much to say, but I'll try to make it short and sweet.

My mom, for years, has been putting me down. She is also constantly comparing me to my older brothers who get straight A's. I, being an average student, don't seem to be good enough for her.  When ever I bring up the fact that I want to get a real job, not just babysitting anymore, she always says things like "oh you wouldn't get that job, they'd never hire you" which makes me not want to try. But besides just bringing me down, she also frustrates my brothers and I to a point where all we ever do is complain about her. Our hate for her is literally growing more and more every day. She acts like a child; she refuses to do chores around the house, when she is the one who makes a mess out of it. She also picks fights with us about nothing. I’m not kidding you. Even though I am a 16-year-old girl, I almost never go out. But whenever I do want to go out, she makes a HUGE deal about it, saying that I’m leaving her alone, and that I always go out. But I actually NEVER do because I always get crap from her. Also during the summer I would sleep over my friends house almost every weekend, and she would tell me that I wouldn’t be able to do anything for a couple of weekends after that because I was away from home for too long. And believe me, I wasn’t. She also puts me down for my average grades, and last year she bragged to everyone about my brothers high SAT scores, but then said how I had to go to summer school for failing the second semester of math, but it was okay, and that she “still loved me”.

Anyways, recently both of my brothers (they're twins) got accepted into the same college. So they have been talking a lot about how they are going to pay for it, etc. My mom said she has made “a lot of financial mistakes” (I’m pretty positive she has a gambling problem. I see her go to the gas station at least 3 times a day on some days to go and get scratch tickets) so she can’t pay or help pay for college. One night though, recently she was sick and actually told my brother this. “I’m not feeling well. I’m very sick (she only had a virus), maybe if I die, you guys might have money for college from the insurance you guys would get from my death.”  She makes comments like this all of the time. My mom makes me feel guilty for having a life & leaving her to go and have fun every once in a while. Also she has taken money from my brothers bank account that he earned from his summer job, and has not yet paid him back (and I’m betting she never will) Because I know this, it makes me not want to get a job and put money in the bank, because I’m in fear that she’ll take all of my money, like she did to my brother.

My mom just makes me feel like crap all of the time. It’s either that, or she makes me feel guilty or sorry for her. And it makes me so upset that the only parent that I have (I haven’t seen my father in 8 years, he’s useless and doesn’t want to be in my life) I cant even trust and hate to be around. Most nights I cry myself to sleep because I’m just so frustrated by her and just everything that she does. It’s gotten to a point where I would rather be at school then at home. I feel like one day I’m just going to explode with anger and just cry so hard and tell her that I hate her so much and all of that, and cause a bigger problem. But I never want to talk to her about it because I want to try and keep the little peace that I have with her sometimes. I just don’t know what to do. I don’t think what she does is normal, and I don’t think that this is “normal teenager problems”. I just don’t know if I should go to my guidance consular or something. Just please help. I don’t want my brothers to go off to college and leave me here with her and just have her make me feel horrible every day and night.

I recently just vented all of this and more to my best friends mother, a woman that I can trust and can talk to about almost ANYTHING. And she thinks that my mom may have a mental illness or something. I don’t know if she does, I would like to have your opinion on everything. Thanks for taking time out of your day to read this.

-Susan

Answer
Susan,
Your mother may have a mental illness, I really can't tell. What I do know is that you shouldn't let your identity be defined by your mother. If you do let her define you then you will be stuck with that for the rest of your life. I do think you should start talking with the counselor at school and find people that can help you define who YOU want to be. Your mother is not one of these people.
David
www.help4life.net