Expert: David Simonsen - 3/30/2010

Question
I am doing my MBA and I have been staying in a hostel away from family for last twp years. I became friends with this one guy whom we can call "R" during my first year. We became best of friends and we used to hang out together 24/7. We also started staying in the same room since we were really close. We ultimately got into a physical relationship as well. But we never were dating. I am in love with this guy who stays in a separate city, but he doesnot want to commit. Even "R" broke up with his gf. So we both were emotionally vulnerable and got so close. Everything was fine in first year, but now his behaviour has changed a lot. He keeps criticising me for everything. He even shouts at me in front of everyone. He is the one who makes all the decision and he gets really pissed if i decide otherwise. Once he got really pissed at me and said few abusive words to me and kinda threw me out of his room. That day, I was really hurt and decided to move out. But I am not able to do that. I cant stay mad at him for long. I always cools down in few minutes and then somehow cant stop myself from talking to him. I always apoloze to him after every fight even though I dont feel sorry. This is just to end the fight and be with him. Sometimes, he does things for me which make me feel really special to him and then I start cursing myself for being so stupid to piss him off all the time. But nowadays, he gets mad at me over every small issue. Even if its a small thing like I am talking to him when he is talking to someone else or If I ask him to sit with me for few minutes cuz I am feeling low. I know there is no point of this relationship. He makes me feel as if I am responsible for everything thats going wrong in his and my life. Once, I  almost got molested in a public place and he shouted at me for wearing such short clothes and not being able to protect myself. I want to get out of this , but I am too much in love with this guy. I am not able to take that one final plunge..I am stuck here!

Answer
Simran,

This isn't love it is dysfunction. If you are unwilling to do what it takes to leave the relationship I can't help you. You may FEEL in love, but that doesn't mean you have to stay in the relationship. What you need to do is start doing behavior like avoiding this person. The more you do behavior that avoids him the more likely the feelings of love will dissipate.
David
www.help4life.net