Expert: Azure - 4/10/2010

Question
QUESTION: Hi
I think Im starting to go crazy. I have been married for 8yrs to someone who constantly accuses and has unfounded fears of infedelity. I found a recording device in the lining of my bag, my phone is constantly checked, I have never been 'allowed' to visit relatives on my own, if I visit my daughter who lives 10mins away I am asked "who else was there...any blokes?" He has randomly checked into my work place...if any men are spotted he questions me about them..."do i know them etc"

I could write a pages on the examples of his insecure controlling behaviour...I cannot even do simple things like go for a coffee with a friend or go to the markets without him getting pensive and aggrevated.

After folding up clothes, I accidently put my older sons underwear in my younger sons draw...my husband found them and accused I was hiding a strange mans pants...Everyday theres something else "Ive done"..."it's all my fault..."I haven't been loving enough"...

I feel trapped! I have started Uni...I cant go to compulsory intensives (1 week away), without him accusing of "your just going to pub every night to pick up guys" etc...I cannot even drop my child off somewhere without some ridiculous accusation...

I have complied with all his demands, in hoping that he will eventually trust me...but this hasnt happened...I have now come to the point were I cant bear it any longer. I go so crazy that I yell and scream...he rings his friends so that they can hear and tells them he is with a "crazy bit*h" etc. I have lost my mind, my spirit, my soul...I feel empty.

I also found photos of him and 2 women partying together. He had gone on a secret trip...I am now told by one of the girls that he has been doing this all along...he says he's working late but he is out with girls. Also found 'teen porn' and adultfriendfinder stuff on his computer. He now keeps his comp locked and has 2mobile phones. He is an incredible liar, pathalogical I would say...he truely believes his lies so much that he is easily believed. He is 35yrs and mainly hangs around 20 yr olds.

I have been socially isolated while he goes 4wd driving, motorbike riding, boating, golfing, drags and footy with his mates and their girlfriends.

I could go on forever...it has been pure hell!!! I feel lost and like Im even starting to believe it is all my fault. He says everything is. Becouse we fight and argue. But we are fighting because I am standing up to his accusing and controlling behaviour. Ive tries being submissive but that makes no difference! He spends large sums of money on cars and engines etc...while we all go without. I only work part time so I dont get a lot of money. We have an 8yr old son together, he has a disability and requires some extra care. I have older children from a previous marraige.

I have put on about 20kg...Ive allways been thin before...I think Ive done this subconciously...for protection...so no man will look at me and then accusations may stop...also to keep husband away...

My self esteem has dropped, my spark has gone...I feel inept...I cant even converse with people like I used to...and yes...I probably have become a 'nut case'...

Please help!!! I have been to Social Workers etc...but nothing is really helping. I know I have to lift myself up...but your advice would be much appreciated...

Thankyou so much!
Dandelion

ANSWER: so why are you still there, knowing this will never get better?

---------- FOLLOW-UP ----------

QUESTION: Firstly...I have no money...2. He has sold my car so I have no way of getting out of here. 3. He as threatened to get me "knocked off" if I leave 4.He won't let me take our son (I would be happy to share access but he wont listen to that logic)...I guess it's a mix of me being scared and I have no financial backup.

Answer
the options: you need to make a plan, an exit strategy; that means you first have to figure out a way to be self-supporting, either with a job or state aid; next, you need some help from family or friends in getting u out of there and hopefully staying with someone for a short while until part 2 of the plan can be enacted; you should also see an attorney--most cities have some form of "legal aid" that's free; contact city departments, like social services, ask about counseling for abused women; if necessary, get the law involved--his threats might get you a restraining order; if you do nothing, nothing will change...