Expert: Azure - 4/15/2010

Question
My husband and I have been married for 7 years and have a 4 year old son.  Up until the middle of last year, my husband was very controlling and verbally/emotionally abusive, I confronted him about it all, called it what it was and told him if it didn't stop I'm gone.  My husband suffers from anxiety issues and is bipolar, his medicine helps and he does take it regularly.

It has gotten better but there are still things that are making me unhappy and he still has control issues.  Although he admits to the abuse, from some of the comments he's said, I don't think he really gets the ramifications of it or really takes credit for it.

I told him about a month ago that I'd had enough and wanted to move out.  He was devastated, he starting crying harder than I'd ever seen him, he scared our son because he couldn't stop.  I relented, had my parents come get our son so we could talk.  I'm trying to be very honest with how I feel and not hold anything back - in the past I have because I don't want to hurt him.

It seems our big issue, at least from his stand point, is my family.  His family is 7 hours away.  Mine are 45 minutes away.  I am extremely close to my family, they are my friends as well as family.  I love spending time with them and would love my husband to want that as well.  My mother and father take care of our son while I'm at work.  My husband insists that I spend too much time with them while I should want to be home with him.  My family has been my refuge while we were in the worst of our relationship and when my husband and I have any kind of disagreement I admit that all I want to do is run away and the only place I have to go is to my family's house.  I go up to my family's house usually around 2 or 3 times a month, they come see me or I go see them.

Our son is VERY sensitive to any arguing and for his sake, this cannot continue any longer.  I've already told my husband that if this doesn't work out I will be the bad guy and end our marriage for our son's sake.  Our son is almost always with me when I'm not at work.  My husband is just recently spending quality one-on-one time with our son.  However, he is unable to watch him all day - he just can't handle it mentally.  They do have a wonderful relationship and our son just adores his dad.

The last couple of weeks have been fairly calm, in part, I think to me staying home all weekend.  But in the calm, I find I have less control over my anger towards my husband.  I'm not one to lash out in anger so I want to ignore him, don't think about him and not talk to him.  I don't really like him, a lot of what he does just annoys me.  I'm extremely defensive towards him, I get angry very easily if I think he's telling me to do something or criticizing me.  

I know I/we obviously need counseling and we're setting that up; but how do I know I can get over our past?  I'd like to think I'll be able to forgive and forget but maybe too much water has passed under the bridge to do that.  I'm tired of trying. I am so very, very, tired of it all: the drama, the worrying, the arguments, the tension, the stress!

Answer
only YOU can decide if you can let go of past resentments; you and only you control your happiness or lack of; once you lay blame on another, you become dependent on them for your happiness; not good; you can work on reducing your demands to preferences, try the counseling, look upon him as doing the best he can considering his pre-programming, loving more unconditionally, then see if this approach makes him be more as you want him to be; oherwise, continued criticism/anger will never change him; if/when you feel this work is no longer worth it, time to leave; ps..read "the power of unconditional love" by ken keyes jr..