Expert: Azure - 4/27/2010

Question
I have been in a relationship with a man for the past 10 months, including a couple of breakups. We see each other a couple of times a week and spend weekends together. Last weekend I ended up in tears because I could no longer take the constant insults and nit picking. It seems like everything I do is wrong. When he calls me names like fatty or stupid, and I'm visibly hurt, he will tell me he's just joking and that is the way he is with his friends. That I need to get a thicker skin and not be so sensitive. I see this relationship being completely one sided, I am constantly trying to make him happy, because when he's not, he can be really mean to me. If I text or call him, he doesn't have to get back to me immediately, but when he texts or calls me, I better answer within minutes. I've been researching abusive relationships and he doesn't fit the profile (possessive, jealous) but I hate the way he treats me a lot of the time. Every time I complain (his words) about the way he talks to me or treats me, he will make a lot of good points as to why I should be happy. He does make me laugh, a lot. He does spoil me from time to time with expensive gifts and fun days/nights out. When we are just hanging out at his place, he does cater to me with the cooking and making sure I have everything I need. BUT when he does this, I will never hear the end of it. If I say something like, "Will you please not yell at me" or "Why are you always putting me down?", he will come back with "Oh, you have it so rough don't you. I buy you this and cook you that", etc. He is rarely affectionate to me, but I am expected to be toward him and when I tell him I love him, I won't hear it in return. I guess I just want to know, should I appreciate him for who he is or am I selling myself short?

Answer
WAY short..whether his behavior fits into some definition of abuse is irrelevent--the fact remains, he's disrespectful, inconsiderate, insensitive, non-intimate, and i'm sure we could go on; time to overcome your insecurities and get rid of this self-absorbed meathead; whether you're alone for awhile or meet someone new, both scenarios are better than the quiet desperation of this unhealthy arrangement...