Expert: Kriss Mitchell, M.Ed, CRC, CNHP - 5/25/2010

Question
My name is Sabrina Salerno I am currently a grade 12 student at Father Bressani Catholic High School in Woodbridge ON taking on a Social Science Course, doing a research paper on Abusive Relationships. I ask if you will kindly answer the following questions so that I can use the information for my research paper. You may choose to be anonymous. Thank You.
Questions:
1.How many years have you been working on this field?
2.  What educational requirements do you need in order to assist people with abusive relationship problems?
3. How many clients do you see weekly that are in an abusive relationship or have been in an abusive relationship?
4. How do you assist a person that comes to you with an abusive relationship issue?
5. Do you recommend your patients to have regular sessions? Why or why not?
6.  What is more common: verbal abuse or physical abuse cases?
7. Do children that grow up in an abusive environment have a tendency to pick up the behaviour?
8. If a child is present throughout an abusive relationship do you recommend they seek counselling with their parents or without and why?
9. In your opinion what are the most common warning signs of an abusive relationship?
10.  How do councelling abusive relationships affect your outlook on relationships in general?
11. How should society be educated on abusive relationship issues to prevent these occurrences from happening?
12. What are the most common causes of abusive relationships?
13.  Which gender causes the most abuse in the relationships that you have dealt with?
14. Does it usually take a while before a victim of an abusive relationship seeks professional help?
15. In your opinion how does an abusive relationship victim know when it’s time to leave the relationship?
16. How many incidents does it take for the victim to leave the relationship?
17. How often do you see abusive relationships change on a positive note?
18. Do you recommend the victim to stay with the abuser if the abuser actively tries to make a change?
19. In your opinion why do people stay in abusive relationships?
20. Is there any follow up procedures in place to further see how the victim is doing after they left your service?

Answer
Hi Sabrina,
I'll do my best to answer some of these questions, but to answer them all would take more time than I have to devote to this.  I'll pick out the questions that I think are the most important to the field and hope they help you with at least some of what you are looking for.

1.How many years have you been working on this field?    I've been a pastoral counselor for about 9 years and have been working in the field of domestic violence for three.

2.  What educational requirements do you need in order to assist people with abusive relationship problems?  There isn't an educational requirement beyond a Master's degree and a professional license.  However, if you are going to work with abused individuals, it is important to know about how trauma effects human beings, and perhaps have worked with abuse victims as part of an internship or under some supervision, before tackling it on your own.

3. How many clients do you see weekly that are in an abusive relationship or have been in an abusive relationship?   That's hard to say because it varies.  On average I would say three.

5. Do you recommend your patients to have regular sessions? Why or why not?  Yes, but whether they do or not really depends on their ability to face the issues, how controlling their spouse is and what their financial situation is.  Regular sessions provide consistent support to a client that they wouldn't have without it.

6.  What is more common: verbal abuse or physical abuse cases?  Verbal abuse, however emotional abuse is very common, but much harder to see and/or prove.

7. Do children that grow up in an abusive environment have a tendency to pick up the behaviour?  Yes

8. If a child is present throughout an abusive relationship do you recommend they seek counselling with their parents or without and why?  I prefer without the parents...the abuse is the parent's problem and if the child wants to be open and honest about how they feel, what has happened to them in the family, they certainly can't do that in front of the abuser.  A child/adolescent needs confidentiality in a situation like that.

9. In your opinion what are the most common warning signs of an abusive relationship?
Control of one person over another is the most common sign followed by anger and manipulation.  

12. What are the most common causes of abusive relationships?  THE most common cause of abusive relationships is lack of identity which results in low self esteem.

13.  Which gender causes the most abuse in the relationships that you have dealt with?  Males

14. Does it usually take a while before a victim of an abusive relationship seeks professional help?  Yes, victim is usually in great denial and it takes quite a bit for them to admit what is happening to them.

15. In your opinion how does an abusive relationship victim know when it’s time to leave the relationship?   That varies from victim to victim.  When dealing with mothers, it is when they realize their children are being effected.  In other cases, some women will leave after they have been hit once, but others won't leave until they are fully convinced that the abuser can't or won't change.  

16. How many incidents does it take for the victim to leave the relationship?  There is no formula for that and it is different in every case.  Statistically, a woman will leave a relationship 7 times before she leaves for good.

17. How often do you see abusive relationships change on a positive note?  Very few.  It depends on how bad the abuse is and how hard the abuser wants to work to change the situation.  In most severe abuse cases you are either dealing with addiction of some kind and/or personality disorders, neither of which are very easily treatable.

18. Do you recommend the victim to stay with the abuser if the abuser actively tries to make a change?  Again, it depends on how bad the abuse is.  If there is ANY physical abuse at all, I recommend separation until it is clear the abuser is safe. If the person has a personality disorder, the prospects of change are very dim and I am honest with my client about that fact. In other cases, it really isn't my place to tell the people what to do.  I recommend safety first and foremost.

19. In your opinion why do people stay in abusive relationships?  Because the negative attachment that they have in the relationship is better than the loneliness they perceive they will feel without it.  

20. Is there any follow up procedures in place to further see how the victim is doing after they left your service?  Not really.  As a counselor I cannot solicit.  My clients are always welcome to come back if they believe they need more support.  It is always up to them.

I hope these answers have helped.  This subject is very complex...much more than I can answer here.  I would recommend you read a book called Men Who Hate Women and the Women Who Love Them.  That would be a good resource for your paper.

Blessings,  Kriss Mitchell