Expert: Kriss Mitchell, M.Ed, CRC, CNHP - 5/8/2010

Question
I have recently met this friend online that is using me as a shoulder to cry on.  In our conversations, she has spelled out her abuse from her husband.  If the house isn't cleaned, Supper isn't cooked when get gets home, she gets beaten.  He is also a alcoholic, so the more he drinks the worse it gets.  They have 2 children so she doesn't want to leave and live on welfare and worry about where her kids is going to get their next meals.  She is also going to college and tells him that she is leaving as soon as she can afford it.  How can I help without getting into the middle of it, but I am worried for her safety.  The many times she has called the cops, they made her leave and find a place to go, so she has given up hope that they will do anything.  I don't want to step in the middle for fear of putting my family in danger.  I do not know the husband, but have seen some of the results.

Answer
Hi Lynn,
These type of situations are so very difficult to manage and even harder to watch from the outside.  Because I don't know what state you are living in, I am not sure what the laws are regarding domestic violence where you are.  What I can tell you is that she does have options if she will take them.  

In my state, if a wife calls the police on a domestic violence charge, if she is willing to press charges, the husband is placed under arrest.  It could be that when the police arrived she was unwilling to press charges.  If she would not do that, the police would not have any other choice than to advise her to get out.  She should take their advice.  They can only do as much as she will support, depending on the laws that are in place in her community.

Local Women's Centers have court advocates that can walk abused women through the system and provide them with the support they need to go through the legal process.  If she truly understood what was happening to her children as they watch and/or hear their mother being beaten, she would not hesitate to take the state support and get her family to safety. Unfortunately most abused women live in a certain amount of denial in order to stay in these situations and she is doing that.  Her children are being fundamentally changed living in this environment.  On the other hand, abused women have a certain amount of self esteem problems which keep them from leaving these situations as well.  

There is little that you can do other than continue to encourage her to leave.  If you would choose to step in the middle of it and he turned on your family, you would have the same legal rights to prosecute him that she does.  What she needs is good information and to have a good support network in place.  Does she have family?  Family would be the best place to turn.  

Pray for her, encourage her to get to a place of safety, find out her rights and talk to an abuse counselor if there is one available.  She has to make the decisions in this situation and if she doesn't, there isn't much anyone else can do.  You can only help someone who wants to be helped.

There is a book called "Learning to Leave" which may be helpful, but if her husband finds the book that could be problematic.

I understand how frustrating this is for you.  If I can be of any further assistance, please feel free to contact me again.  

Blessings,
Kriss Mitchell
www.livingwellcc.com