Expert: Kriss Mitchell, M.Ed, CRC, CNHP - 5/6/2010

Question
I am divorcing my husband who has severe Narcissistic Personality Disorder.  We have two small children and I feel I am trying to make an effort to protect them, but my attorney is not advocating for me and my position-it is business as usual for her. My position is that I have compassion for my husband and understand that the U.S. family court process is one that advocates abuse by proxy, but I feel the smear campaigning, although may be fruitful for my abusive husband, his attorney, my attorney and the judicial system, it is a waste of time and money for me. I am a new Christian and would like peaceful resolution, but it seems,I am the only one.  Our daughters interests and well-being, in the meantime, are getting lost in the courtroom shuffle and I have very real and legitimate concerns about his abusive nature and emotional stability and the impact on our two small children, of which our daughters have already begun to display. Is it possible to handle this legally and compassionately at the same time, considering the personality type, and if so how would you recommend doing that? and if not should I just play along or just leave it to God to handle?

Answer
Hi Michele,
I am so sorry to hear what you are going through and understand that dealing with someone who has NPD can be challenging at best.  As a Christian, I can understand that you would want to handle this as peacefully as possible, but the reality is you are dealing with someone who has a mental illness that impairs perspective and judgment which will not allow this to be handled efficiently and simply.  Scripture says that as much as it is in your control, be at peace with all men.  What that means in this case is to stand up for your rights as an individual and a mother, do what needs to be done but do not stand in judgment or carry bitterness towards your ex husband.  That is a tall order and may have to be accomplished over time.  If you believe your attorney is not representing you well, fire her and hire someone who will.  If you are dealing with a narcissist, she may not have experience with that kind of mental illness and as you know, they can be very charming.

There are a few resources that I can suggest to you.  These books deal with different aspects of your situation so I would suggest checking them out as much as you can, perhaps on Amazon and then decide which one would be best for you.

To understand more about NPD:  Malignant Self Love and Freeing Yourself from the Narcissist in Your life.  These you will be able to find on Amazon

Dealing with separating from someone with NPD:  Splitting - Protecting yourself while divorcing a Borderline or Narcissist.  This one may be more easily found on a website called www.bpdcentral.org    Another book that I have found helpful is "Learning to Leave" and that one can be found on Amazon.  

Does he have an official diagnosis of NPD?  If so, that would be important for your attorney to bring up.  It is a nasty mental illness and to let something like that go by, in my opinion is a mistake.  

You asked if I thought you should just play along or just leave it to God to handle.  I believe that you need to do what you think is right.  God has a hand in all that you do, but He also requires us to be practical and do what we can do.  His will is for all things to work together for good, however because we have free will, sometimes men are not willing to cooperate with His will.  If you stand in a place of honoring Him, yourself and your children, you will stand in a place where He can bless you, but you also will have to carry out the practicalities of the process, say no when you need to, stand firm in your convictions and pray at all times.  Even though Daniel was placed in the Lion's Den, I don't think he just laid down and made a meal of himself to the animals.  Do you see my point?  Whatever decisions you make, know exactly why you are making them and then proceed with a clear conscience.

The truth here is that a person with NPD is not going to do anything peacefully unless they believe it will benefit them so the idea that you will get out of this with a peaceful solution is probably not realistic.  I would think that if you could have solved problems peacefully, you wouldn't be divorcing him, correct?  The truth is, no matter what you do you will be labeled the bad guy so you might as well do what is right for yourself and your children so that at least you can sleep well at night.  You are going to get smeared and labeled on either side, so do what is right for you and your family.

I will pray for you and for the process, but I would encourage you to get another attorney if you aren't happy with the way this one is representing you.  In finding someone else, ask them if they have ever had any experience dealing with a spouse with this kind of mental illness and how successful they were.  That would be important to know.

Please let me know if I can be of any further assistance.  I'm sure this feels very traumatic for you so surround yourself with a firm support network as you go through this and invest in some counseling after it is all over so that you can recover, heal and be the best you can be for your daughters.

Blessings,
Kriss Mitchell
www.livingwellcc.com