Expert: David Simonsen - 5/25/2010

Question
I am so lost, confused and hurt.  Let me start by saying that my best friend is an amazing person.  She has some self esteem issues and tends to fall very easy for guys.  She was in a touch an go relationship for a little over a year.  She cared for the guy very deeply, but he was newly divorced and not ready to make a commitment.  He was very honest with her about this, but it did not make the heartbreak any less painful.  She then dated a man for 6 months.  He was very nice, but they did not have a good chemistry.  She then met a man that I know.  I thought that he would be a good rebound for her.  Things started to move very fast and within a month they were talking marriage. (She lived 400 miles from him so they were only able to talk on the phone and see each other once or twice a month).  They have been together for 4 months now and the wedding is set 3 months from now.  He moved in with her last week and I have noticed that she is not the same person.  I am very worried because I have seen first hand how he treats his mother.  He degrades her in front of his friends, tells her that she is a slob ect...  I am afraid that this will happen to my friend. I also suspect that he is an alcoholic and bi-polar.  I let my friend know about these concerns.  She stated that when he moves with her he will not be around his hometown friends so he will not be tempted to drink as much.  The other night she texted me very late and let me know that she came home to him being very upset because I allegedly told one of his friends that I thought that the marriage was a bad idea.  I honestly had no idea what she was talking about.  After pleading I finally got the name of the friend.  Luckily I had only seen this person once in the past 4 years.  He was with me during this conversation when I supposedly let slip that I thought she was making a huge mistake.  I remember it clearly.  His friend and I graduated together and talked about our class reunion and his new job and new masters degree.  Most of the conversation was over the accusers head and it was evident that he was uncomfortable because he felt out of the conversation.  Also this conversation took place over a month ago.  After a long text conversation with my friend I let her know that I would always be there for her and that I would always be her friend.  She let me know that he wanted an apology and that I needed to do because I am her friend and he is her boyfriend so we need to get along for her and not talk any more about them in public.  The strange this is that I never talked about them in public.  I never put her in the middle of anything.  I am so confused.  I never once told her that I did not like him and that I am against this marriage.  I have always just let her know that I support her. I then sent him an apology the next day stating that I truly wished them the best.  He replied with he knew I hated him and that I need to be happy for my friend.  I stated that I was happy for her.  He then said that if I wasn't happy for him that I wasn't welcome at his wedding. What do I do? How do I react? How do I stop something that I am not doing?

Answer
Alexis,
Now is the time to "man up" so to speak and speak some truth. How can you support your friend, but not be in agreement with this wedding? You are most likely right, they probably should not be getting married. What you have experienced is a small glimpse of what life will be like with your "friend" in the future. You were asked to apologize with the assumption that it would make things right. What you found out is that it didn't make things right you were just being setup to be humiliated and controlled. That is what your friends life is going to be like and your friendship has not been forever changed. You will be asked to jump through hoops from now on. Do you want to? If you want to then seek out this relationship and continue to jump. If you don't want to then let your friend know what you think and move on. It's time to stop walking on egg shells and stop letting yourself be manipulated.
David
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