Expert: Kriss Mitchell, M.Ed, CRC, CNHP - 5/16/2010

Question
I'm nineteen years old. I have a boyfriend, who one day is an excellent person, and then the next treats me like I've done something completely wrong. I feel as if he is a tad insecure and tries to control me by saying that every fight we get into is my fault, never his. He does things that I don't approve of and it makes him a different person. When I address my problem to him, he says that if I cannot accept what he does, we can't be together. I have love for him but his accusations and blaming games are pushing me deeper into a hole that I desperately want to recover and break free from. I really don't know what I should do, just because of the fact that it is all easier said than done. He tells me if I leave him, he'll kill himself and he doesn't care if I go back to anyone of my exes. So he is playing a mind trick and a guilt trip game with me. I need help on how I can leave him, I need to get away from the negativity; unfortunately I do not know how to go about this. Thank you for your time, it's sincerely appreciated.

Answer
Hi Heather,
I understand that you believe you are in a situation where you are damned if you do and damned if you don't.  Suicide is a manipulation technique often used by controlling and abusive individuals to make sure that their victim doesn't leave, however if you take on the responsibility for what decisions this person makes about his life, you will always be controlled by him.

In situations of threatened suicide this is what you need to do.  Call 911.  The reason being this:  if the person is manipulating, calling 911 brings reality into the situation and they more than likely will not do it again because they don't want to go through the consequences again.  If they are serious, then they will be taken to a place where they are safe and around people who know what they are doing to keep them safe.  It is a win/win solution, but it is a difficult thing to do if you don't have a healthy perspective of relationships.

So, with that being said, I have a few other suggestions for you.  Call your local women's center, if money is an issue, and invest in some abuse counseling for yourself.  They usually have counselors and court advocates who are able to give you the information you need to break free of these types of situations.  If money isn't an issue, just locate an abuse counselor who is a good fit for you and participate in enough counseling to bring you to a healthy perspective of who you are, your value as a person and why you may not want to be in this situation any longer.  The other suggestion is for you both to go to counseling and you both get to a place where you are emotionally healthy.  If he will not, there is not much hope for this relationship.  You do not have the skill set to be able to help him and if he won't help himself there isn't much you can do.  You can't be the only one in the relationship who tries to improve it.  

In some respect, your boyfriend is correct.  If you can't accept what he does, you can't be together.  The truth is, if he is doing things that are destructive, illegal or damaging to you, you shouldn't be with him, it isn't healthy for either one of you.  Statistically, you can't always be wrong and in a relationship it is very seldom just one person's responsibility for the problems in the relationship.  

In closing, I must say that if you choose to stay in a relationship where you are controlled and manipulated like this, it would be important for you to get into a counseling program that will help you understand what love is and why you should require anyone you are with to honor and respect you.  You have value, just because you breathe in and out and you need to feel and know that about yourself.  You are worth more than to be treated like this, but that knowledge is something that you, yourself have to claim.

I wish you all the best Heather, and if there is anything I can do to further assist you, please feel free to contact me again.

Blessings,
Kriss Mitchell
www.livingwellcc.com