Expert: Kriss Mitchell, M.Ed, CRC, CNHP - 5/29/2010

Question
I am a very confused man.  I was married to my second wife in July of 2009 after being on my own for 6 years raising my son.  By August my new wife stopped having anything to do with me and moved out in February. Those 7 months were very stressful as she wouldn’t talk to me, she wasn’t interested in counseling, etc.  In March she contacted me and asked if we could work on our marriage and I was very open to doing so.  Since then, there have been 3 other times when we start to work on our marriage and then she suddenly shuts me out for weeks and then sends me an email saying how nasty I am.
In the last round she hacked into my FB account and read and email that I wrote to a lady in our church who is a good friend and had also been in an abusive relationship. I was seeking her advice and guidance and in my email I stated how I wanted my marriage to work that I was glad we were going to counseling but that I would guard my heart this time because of the past history.  My wife felt totally betrayed because I did say that I was in an abusive relationship even though I did say that I was hopeful that counseling could help us.
My wife (who lives in another town) sent me an email after reading what I wrote saying how I betrayed her trust by talking to another woman about what I was going through.  I’ve also talked to a counselor and my pastor and some other good friends about the situation as well.  They are all concerned that I am in a relationship that is so volatile.
I love my wife but I am afraid of her. If she gets mad for any reason she shuts me out for weeks or months and always ends up sending me an email saying our marriage is over.  I’m trying very hard to get over this last round and nasty email because it just hurts so much and I’m so afraid that if I do or say anything wrong I’ll get emotionally shut out if we do get back together.
My wife admits she is very jealous and controlling and she has used key logger programs in the past to get access to my passwords, etc to see who I am talking to and what I’m talking about.  I believe in my marriage vows but at the same time I am so confused because I don’t know if I should keep trying to reconcile or if I should get out of the relationship now. My family and friend all feel that I need to get out because the marriage has taken a very heavy emotional toll on me.  I am now on antidepressants, anti anxiety pills and I take sleeping pills every night.  I’ve never been on this type of medication before and it has all started since I got married.  There were earlier instances before we were married where she would shut me out but she always had a reason why.
For some reason I just can’t seem to break the bond I have with my wife.  I realize I have let her do the things to me that she has and I have always taken her back but now I need to know if I should trust my family or focus on trying once again to heal my marriage.  My counselor has said that the relationship is very unhealthy and abusive but she doesn’t know if my wife is doing it intentionally or not.  We did attend one counseling session together but my wife didn’t like what was said to her so she refused to go back.
Please help me understand why I’m staying in a relationship that is causing me so much emotional pain.
Thank you.

Answer
Hi Guy,
Thanks so much for your question.  Honestly, these kinds of situations are very complicated.  Emotions run deep and the bonding between two people in a marriage relationship is always more connected than any other type of relationship.  I am sorry to hear of your struggles and hope I will be able to offer some assistance.

The first thing to bear in mind is that healthy relationships grow.  There is something very wrong if one or both people aren't growing in the relationship.  Fear has no place in a marriage and if there is fear there, then something needs to be done about it; whether that involves counseling individually, marriage counseling or as a last resort - separation and/or divorce.  The next thing to understand when there are problems in the relationship is that if only one person is trying to heal, the relationship doesn't get very far.

The situation with your wife is filled with many red flags.  You can't heal a relationship if the people in it aren't both willing to face the issues that are making the difficulties in the marriage.  Showing up to a counseling appointment and never going back is not a good sign that the person wants to change.  Whatever is at issue in her life is not going to be healed until she is willing to address it and put in the work that is necessary to change and heal.  You don't have the skill set to be able to help her and if she is not willing to work with a professional, there may be little that you can do to improve the situation.

On your side, you are not growing and the environment within the relationship is toxic to you.  That isn't a good sign either.  You asked why you are staying in a relationship that causes you so much pain and the easy answer is that there is a part in all of us that is created to be in relationship with another person.  The negative attachment that you are experiencing is more preferable than being lonely on some level.  That is the place for you to work on with a counselor in individual therapy sessions.  Although this situation has been intensely painful for you, the good side of it is that it has exposed some wounds in your heart that need to be healed, and I would encourage you to do so.  You have acknowledged that you have allowed your wife to treat you dishonorably, but the real question is why.  Besides the issues of self worth and self respect, there are boundary issues that need to be addressed and if you are afraid to set those boundaries with her, that would be another issue to discuss with your counselor.  

The situation on your wife's side may be the result of committment issues or one of several forms of mental illness, or perhaps even some addiction issues.  But in any of those cases, the answer lies with some professional help and if your wife is unwilling to do that, there is really no reason to believe that the situation will improve.  Please take a look at a website called BPD Central, located at http://www.bpdcentral.com/resources/basics/main.shtml  Once you read through this information, click on "Indicators" and read what is there.  This information may look familiar to you.  If not, then your wife may be struggling with other issues.

I agree with your counselor.  This relationship is very unhealthy and the hope of change doesn't look very great.  At this point, your marriage vows have been broken, not by you, but by your wife.  She has not honored you or cherished you and what kind of marriage can survive if only one of the individuals in it honors their vows?  I would also advise you to take into consideration the effect this is having on your son.  Besides watching someone abuse his father, there is also the idea that in the condition you describe yourself as being in, how connected and available are you to him, and what quality can you give him in your relationship with him?

I'm sorry that the news I am giving you is not any better than it is.  I truly wish you all the best because I know how difficult these decisions are.  If I can be of any further assistance, please feel free to contact me again.

Blessings,  Kriss Mitchell
www.livingwellcc.com