Expert: Kriss Mitchell, M.Ed, CRC, CNHP - 5/23/2010

Question
hi, I am 41 in a relationship for 12 years , not married,we are musicians,I sing he plays guitar, no not ike and tina, but here is a sceneio, we play a set of songs ,practice them, he gets disturbed with noise outside of someone mowing lawn, he screams loudly shut up I tell him dont yell, he stops playing music and starts yelling about the neighbors ,calls them spics, well,I am half cuban, I tell him not to say that word in my house, then it escalates he calls me a cunt, never hits ,just verbal abuse,its so hard to take we have a special talent and we are good but when he acts like this I feel like all that work of making the music is ruined it devestates me , I hate him right now, on many occasion he has called me every name under the sun, he does it in public at time too, I feel so mad and dont know who to tell,I am ashamed,confused and currently unemployed, his entire family does not talk to him,not me either, he at one time and still does owe money to his brother but the rest of his family are truely unkind and coldhearted,its just been me and him for 12 years and my mom who has helped us many a time, if she knew what I have been thru with him she would die cause she has given him so much. I feel guilty, always on a rollercoaster .I need to know what are signs of borderline personalities and/or a personaliy disorder? I think he has a mood disorder, something other than being an artist is wrong with him. His moods switch so quick its scary, I have so many true stories to  this tumaltuous relationship. Most of me wants to leave with my cats and go and never look back but my music keeps me, I need someone to understand my situation.I want him to apologize and HE NEVER DOES,but then again, he will just repeat the same old verbal abuse behavior. I am no angel, I verbal abuse hime back BUT ONLY after he aims them at me I never start it . I think we just are not a match but 12 years whats going on?
Thank you
Lisa

Answer
Hi Lisa,
The part of your question asking about personality disorders is fairly easy to answer.  Individuals who have Borderline Personality Disorder have symptoms similar to what you are describing.  They have severe issues with temper, can't control their tempers and have an inability to stop their anger once it gets started.  Often, they will have addictive behaviors, be very manipulative and don't take the responsibility for their behavior.  If you visit a website at www.bpdcentral.org, you can research this much more.  You'll want to visit this page as it deals with what YOU feel being in the relationship:  http://www.bpdcentral.com/resources/basics/indicators.shtml    The bad news is that if this is Borderline Personality Disorder, there is no cure.  It is manageable if the person works consistently on a weekly basis with a therapist over quite a long period of time.  The person needs to be willing to do the work needed to change, for as long as it takes.  The other possibility would be for him to be assessed for possible Bi-Polar disorder.

The other part of this lies with you and why you have stayed so long in a relationship like this without requiring some change.  I understand the desire to be connected to someone you can share your musical gift with, but on the other hand, destruction of your self esteem and personal value seems like quite a high price to pay for a few hours of connection.  The thing to understand is that in a relationship, if one person is not willing to change, there is not much that can be done to improve the quality of the relationship.  You teach people how to treat you and if you accept verbal abuse, what kind of barrier is there to keep it from happening?  You are the gatekeeper of your life and you have the choice as to what you let in and what you keep out.  I would strongly encourage you to do whatever you need to do to send a signal that this is not acceptable behavior and it will not be permitted.  If he does not stop, it leaves you little choice other than to leave the situation, unfortunately.  I found it interesting that you mentioned Ike and Tina, since Tina Turner eventually moved on and became a much more well known performing artist than Ike Turner even thought of being.  There is something to be said for valuing yourself enough to leave an abusive relationship.

In the event that you find leaving too difficult a decision to make at this point, I would suggest investing in some personal counseling for yourself with an abuse counselor.  You might interview several to find the one who is a good fit for you and then work with that person to help to heal those places in your heart that keep you connected to someone who is this verbally abusive.  Boundaries are important with a person like this, so that may be an issue to work on as well.  I have every confidence that once you understand how valuable you are, and regain some of the self worth that has been lost, you will begin to put up those boundaries and require this man to treat you with the honor and respect that you deserve.  

Some resources that you might look at which may be beneficial for you are:

Boundaries by Cloud and Townsend
Pulling Your Own Strings by Wayne Dyer

I wish you all the best as you make some very difficult decisions.  If I can be of any further assistance, please feel free to contact me again.

Blessings,
Kriss Mitchell
www.livingwellcc.com