Expert: Kriss Mitchell, M.Ed, CRC, CNHP - 5/6/2010

Question
Ive been with my boyfriend for about a year now...he cheated on me after about ten months of us dating. We were in a fight...he was drunk..and he had his ex over at his house...Im making NO exscuses for it..but if he wasnt under the unfluence i know that wouldnt have happened...well I truely forgave him which was on of the hardest things iv ever had to do. But i brought it up for about two weeks after it happened and hoenstly dropped it. Recently he broke up with me and that night I went out to a party and hung around a guy and danced with him. That was IT. so when my boyfriend and I got back together he asked me if anything happened...I told him about this man..and told him the truth..after i've told him this he usually accuses me of cheating when I told text him back right away...calls me a slut for it...its been about three weeks since thats happened and he is still giving me grief for it..why is he doing this? it wasnt even cheating. He shouldnt be saying anything especially after what he did. DO many guys do this...and Is he doing this to make himself feel better about what he did?...

Answer
Hi LaChelle,
This kind of situation is always difficult and I can't really say what his motivation is for this behavior without actually talking with him.  What I can say is that it is never OK to call someone names or treat them disrespectfully.  

What you are describing seems to be two different sets of circumstances so cannot be compared, however, if the two of you are having this much trouble in your relationship at this stage, why are you still together?  Being with someone who doesn't have the character to behave well and treat you honorably is no one to make a life with.  You are the gatekeeper to your life and the only one who can let others treat you badly.  If you choose to allow someone to behave this way towards you, they will continue to do so.  

You ask if many guys do this - the answer is that this behavior comes from men who are emotionally unhealthy and immature.  It is abusive, insensitive and inappropriate behavior and has no place in a friendship or an intimate relationship.  Relationships are built on trust and safety.  If you have one without the other or neither, that relationship is going nowhere and you need to leave.  Choose to surround yourself with individuals, men and women, who are emotionally healthy, respectful and have good character.  These individuals will still have issues in their lives, but at least you have a good foundation from which to build a relationship.

Another piece of information that may be helpful is that if you want to communicate something important or that has emotional impact, try to do it face to face.  Texting and email are poor substitutes for communication because you lose the ability to see body language, hear tone of voice and see facial expressions which are all part of communication.  Written communication, although easier, leaves the person who receives it in the position of having to interpret intent, motive and state of mind.   That is a lot to leave up to someone's imagination.

I hope this has been helpful to you.  I truly wish you well and if I can be of any further assistance, please feel free to contact me.

Blessings,
Kriss Mitchell  M.Ed., LPC, CRC
www.livingwellcc.com