Expert: Kriss Mitchell, M.Ed, CRC, CNHP - 5/13/2010

Question
i'm not sure how to define my situation. There have been incidents in the past where he shattered my car window, broke down a door when i locked it, wouldn't let me sleep at night because he was angry at me, threatened to tell my children private adult details about me, pulled me by my hair down the front steps one night...but after the first 1 1/2 yrs or so it stopped for about 2 years and things seemed really fine and normal...then last year he got angry about my boys and ended up throwing me across the deck because i was blocking his way inside to make sure to keep any of the kids from hearing (they were in bed). That's the last incident, but i can't forget any of them and they are just eating away at me. I went through a lot in the last few years with court battles with my ex and the death of my mother, but I feel like i'm getting stronger, back to myself, and i think i can leave soon if i choose to, but i am not sure i could safely. He spins things and makes them into my fault. He says I overreact and should forgive and forget because its in the past and that i just hold a grudge. My kids have never seen anything, but I find myself worrying because my oldest son who just turned 13 and he are starting to butt heads and altho nothing has happened, he gets angry and says very mean things to me about my kids. On and on...but not often...he has perfected a facade with family and friends who all think he's this wonderful person and stepfather, but he only is in front of other people. Behind closed doors he doesn't have a lot to do with them and expects them to ask how high if he says jump. He's really great with them if he feels someone can see. I haven't done anything to contradict the facade because sometimes he really is wonderful and for long periods of time we get a long fine. I guess i just don't know how to handle this or how to categorize this. I don't think it is a stereotypical abusive relationship, but i don't think it is normal either...

Answer
Hi Robin,
I'm not really sure what your question is, but I'll do my best to give you some information about your situation as I see it.

You indicated that you don't think this is a stereotypical abusive relationship but it is...absolutely it is and I would categorize it as extreme abuse.  I am not sure why you are still with this individual.  Whether he is nice part of the time or not, the level of physical abuse is so high that in any other situation he would be charged with a minimum of assault and battery, destruction of property, child endangerment and several others that don't come to mind at this time.  It is only a matter of time until this man kills you or injures you severely and if it were me, I would not stick around for that to happen no matter how nice a picture he paints at times.

If you are serious about leaving, get yourself down to the nearest women's center and talk to an abuse counselor and a court advocate.  They can give you all the information you need to make an exit plan as well as help you through the steps as you need to make them.  I realize that at the time you leave you are in the most danger, but you can always utilize the police department to help you make a safe exit and with a good plan in place, your chances of getting away unharmed are much better.

This is serious Robin.  What he is telling you doesn't make any sense at all unless you have no feelings.  There are several books that you may be able to read, but I would keep them in a place he would not be able to find them, such as a neighbors house or even read them at the library if you can.  One is called Learning to Leave, another is Freeing Yourself from the Narcissist in Your Life and the other is No Contact - Ending A Destructive Relationship.  All three of these books are good.  Please don't be fooled by the honeymoon phases.  You shouldn't have to live with this type of extreme abuse...at ANY time.

I truly wish you well and if I can be of any further assistance, please feel free to contact me.  

Blessings,  Kriss Mitchell