Expert: Kriss Mitchell, M.Ed, CRC, CNHP - 5/8/2010

Question
I love my boyfriend so much. We've only been together for 10 months but we both can see each other living our lives together. Except that I'm starting to realize in full how I'm not exactly a very good person. I'd have little moments where I'd think about, and feel horrible, but it would go away. Now its getting worse. I'm extremely controlling, even though I try not to be. All of his friends call him "whipped" and I feel bad because to a teenage guy, that isn't exactly good. I want him to live his own life, but there will be times where he'll spend time with other friends and I get a little jealous. I tell myself not to, but I do. And when we argue... well, I'm usually the instigator. He'll say its his fault, but it really is mine. I'll overreact to something small that he did, that he in no way had any intention of hurting me, but he still will. I'll start to cry, and yell, and hit him if he comes near me. I want to stop so badly. I don't want to hurt him anymore. I know he still loves me, but I don't know if I've made him be afraid of me. He often tells me its all his fault and he doesn't deserve me... but I know its the other way around. Please, please help me. I don't want him to be hurt anymore.

Answer
Hi Kayla,
I want you to know that I have so much respect for you and the way you are reaching out for help in order to better your life and the life of the important people around you.  This takes a lot of courage and it is the first step in the healing process.  

When someone has these kinds of issues, there are usually reasons for it, things that have happened in their past that have contributed to fears of being rejected or abandoned.  It sounds as though you have begun to challenge some of the beliefs that you have, but sometimes there are issues that we just can't overcome by ourselves.  Sometimes there are even medical reasons for this kind of emotional response and can be corrected by taking certain types of medication.  I want you to know that there is hope for change here, but you will need help in order to do it.

My recommendation would be for you to find a good counselor, possibly an abuse counselor who has experience with anger issues and abuse issues.  If money is a concern, you might check with your local women's center to see what resources they may have available.  What I would recommend most highly is finding a counselor who is trained in EMDR therapy.  This is a therapy that specifically targets life's traumas and is very effective for working out situations like this.

You are right Kayla, this cannot go on....for your sake and for your future. I don't know if you are a spiritual person at all, but outside of counseling, coming to an understanding of how much God loves you and your value in His eyes is often very healing for individuals as well.  

As part of a healing program, you might want to look at a book called "The Angry Heart".  It is a workbook type of resource, but it might help you work through some of the issues you are dealing with and provide some things that you can talk to a counselor about.

I truly wish you well Kayla, and if there is anything I can assist you with further, please feel free to contact me.

Blessings,
Kriss Mitchell