Expert: David Simonsen - 6/1/2010

Question
Dear David,

I'm in need of guidance as to how to start the process of distancing myself from a long-term abusive marriage.  I personally take responsibility for having made the decision to put up with a controlling, emotionally abusive and manipulative husband for many years in order to raise my son with the comforts I wouldn't have likely been able to give him on my own, or not at all because my husband already started threatening me early in our marriage that he would take my son away from me if I left the marriage for any reason.  Years later, my son is a teenager now (16) and I can see how his character has been shaped by this rotten marriage.  Over the years, I've pretty much been distanced from all of my friends, my family has abandoned me, and my husband has even managed to screw up the relationship I have with my parents from a carefully planned manipulation of them. I'm now at a stage where I'm looking for the light at the end of the tunnel and planning the steps to get away from this man forever.  I have been a stay at home mother all these years, mostly because my son had education/behavioral issues that required me to combination home school him and be a constant presence in his daily life.  He is now well within home-schooling his high school and is doing very well marks wise and seems to be coping with whatever teenage stuff he's going through.  My current situation is pretty bitter. I no longer feel like sucking it up and having sex with somebody I hate and my husband's treatment of me is getting pretty aggressively confidence-bashing.  He is very wicked this way and has very little remorse about it.  He constantly makes me seem like an incompetent mother in front of family and friends when the opposite couldn't be more true. Every little teeny tiny step I appear to be taking to hold on to my last shred of confidence is quickly squashed by him.  As I mentioned above, he even manipulated my parents (my last true friendship) into believing that HE's the one that's been putting up with a terrible wife all these years and he's the breadwinner and excellent father while I've been nothing but a burden.  Of course I'm fed up with all of this and I need to start to think about a future without him, but I feel as if I'm completely lost in a dark forest.  Can you offer me any advice or counsel as to how to start the process and not be overwhelmed?  Any advice would be greatly appreciated.

Answer
R,
This sounds difficult. I appreciate your willingness to acknowledge you part in this abusive relationship. I would suggest that since you've stuck it out this far you should focus doing the best you can for the next 2 years with your son till he is 18. I would also suggest you start looking for ways to expand your horizons a bit. This would mean looking for a job, start doing some school etc...This way when and if you decide to leave your husband you are at least prepared a bit. Ultimately it is going to be up to you on what to do. I also imagine there is some type of support group you could join related to abusive marriages or codependency.
David
www.help4life.net