Expert: Kriss Mitchell, M.Ed, CRC, CNHP - 6/11/2010

Question
First thank you Dr. Mitchell for your earlier response to my question why I can’t let go of an emotionally abusive relationship.  

I have been thinking s lot about what you said and have been speaking to my counsellor to begin working on self esteem issues, etc.  One of the toughest problems I have letting go is that when my wife treated me well she treated me better than I have ever been treated in my life.  The first three years before we were married she treated me like no other person has.  When she was “loving” me it was the greatest feeling in my life.

It seemed that the time period between her loving me and then getting upset and ignoring me started to get shorter in the loving period and longer in the ignoring phase.  It was like the cycle was getting shorter and shorter for being loved before the next cycle of ignoring me and then telling me or marriage was over began.  During the “loving” me phase she treated me wonderfully.  Is this a normal cycle in an emotionally abusive relationship?  Is it normal that she would treat me very special before the “hammer” fell again.

I am also wondering now that she is filing legal papers if there is anything you can suggest that I do?  She is not asking for a divorce but she is seeking spousal support and a division of assets.  Noting she was only living in the same home with me for 6 months and during that time she totally ignored me, do I have to be careful of anything else with people who are emotionally abusive if I start formal divorce proceedings.  I admit I am very afraid of what she might say or do (not physically hurt me) and I have a real sense that she is going to try and make the process as “ugly” as possible.  Is this also normal?

Any advice you could provide about the “cycle’ getting shorter between the periods of loving me and then longer periods of ignoring me would be helpful.  Is this typical of emotionally abusive relationships?  I’d also like any insight you might be able to provide about anything I need to do or watch out for once I file divorce papers.

Thank you.

Answer
Hi Guy,
Please forgive the delay in getting back to you...something happened with the notification and I didn't get it until today.  

In regard to the legal proceedings, I am not able to offer you any advice as that is outside my area of expertise, but I would certainly advise you to get yourself an attorney who can represent you and your interests through all this.  If she has one, that person is representing her, not you.

With regard to the cycle of abuse, you are totally correct.  There is a definite cycle to it, the tension builds, the abusive event happens, things cool off and some type of forgiveness happens or promises are made that it won't happen again and then there is the "honeymoon" phase which is what you are describing.  This phase gets shorter and shorter with each cycle until there isn't one anymore and that is when it gets really ugly.  Divorce is ugly business anyway, so no matter what happens, there is going to be some kind of issues to deal with.  If you could get along, you wouldn't be parting ways so it stands to reason that you would not be reaching mutual decisions.

If you would like to see a written format of this cycle, go to my website (www.livingwellcc.com) and click on Library and under the abuse category you will find an article that you can download entitled the Cycle of Domestic Violence.  

Thank you for your question and if I can be of further assistance, please feel free to write me again.

Blessings,  Kriss
www.livingwellcc.com