Expert: Azure - 6/15/2010

Question
QUESTION: I have been with my husband for 4 years. We met after I got out of a seriously abusive marriage and I knew that Rob was controlling and jealous but still married him and had a baby with him.
I've been unhappy in the marriage for almost a year now and our daughter is 18 months. In January I cheated on my husband and told him about it in February. I did not tell him at that time that the affair was still happening. He choked me and punched me twice, broke the phone so that I couldn't call 911 and then threatened to committ suicide which is his main tactic in manipulation.

Two months later I was fed up with being scared of him and told him it was over and that I was having an affair. He threw me to the ground and then kicked me with our daughter in my arms. I phoned 911 and he broke that phone. The police came and he was charged and there was a no contact rule for 2 weeks.

I eventually felt bad that the no contact was affecting my daughter so when the no contact ruling came up, I asked that it be lifted. He eventually moved back into the house and I started living in the basement because we can't afford to sell our house thanks to mortgage penalties. Plus he pays $2400/mo to his ex-wife for his two other daughters. So financially, it feels like I can't leave.

Since he's been back in the house, he's called me all kinds of horrible names, broke my cell phone and physically intimidated me. There was an incident two weeks ago where he scared me so bad by grabbing me aggressively that I smacked him in the face a couple of times. I have never hit anyone in my life.

I had a no sex rule with him because I know that I want out of the marriage and having sex will only make him think things are getting better. Last week he caught me on a weak moment of sheer exhaustion an I just didn't want to fight with him so I gave in. This has happened twice now. I hate it. I hate it when he touches me.

I have been enrolled in the women's shelter 14 week program and have graduated from it but feel like I'm weaker than ever. At one point I was going to move out but my husband made it impossible and said that he would take my daughter from me.

I feel trapped. I don't want to tell him how much I want to leave for fear of him getting angry and doing something stupid. I just can't see a way out. I don't have many friends and no family in the area I can stay with. I don't want there to be a foreclosure on the house but I don't know what else to do.

I just want out. I just don't know how to do it. I can't just take my daughter and run away from her father. That doesn't seem fair to him. I just need help and I don't know what to do. I know the best thing is to leave but I'm afraid of being alone with a baby and that I won't be able to do it financially, especially with being unable to sell our house. Plus who is ever going to want a twice divorced single mother with this kind of baggage? I know that's the last thing I should be thinking about but it's something that I worry about.

I am so depressed, I have insomnia and I just feel like I'm coasting through my life and doing things to make everyone else happy instead of doing what I know I should.

Michelle

ANSWER: hopefully you've learned from the dreadful mistakes of marrying him/takin him back in/sleeping with him, but you can't afford another; you HAVE to come up with an exit strategy--if he died tomorrow or was jailed (as he SHOULD have been), you'd figure out something--same here--in my opinion, he's lost ALL of your  consideration of what's fair to him--plus, i doubt having your daughter being brought up by an abusive human like that, is at all beneficial; so, you choices are figuring out a way to leave, which might include contacting an attorney, or family members WHEREVER they may be, or a miserable life of quiet desperation, or worse...your choice..

---------- FOLLOW-UP ----------

QUESTION: I know that the current situation is not good for my daughter or myself. I know that I need a safety plan and a safe exit as well. He just keeps saying that none of the violence would have happened if I hadn't cheated and that he deserves a second chance.

I don't want to give him a second chance but he calls me selfish and says that I'm going to ruin our daughters life. I just don't know how to go about leaving. If I tell him that I want to leave, then he gets angry and says that financially that's not an option. If I just up and go somewhere with our daughter, he's going to be hurt and angry.

I just need some advice on the best way to handle leaving. I know he's going to be devastated and hurt and I'm scared that he's going to threaten suicide.

Michelle

Answer
first off, if you buy into the "suicide" threat, then you'll NEVER leave; he's responsible for his own life--if he chooses not to live, it's his choice; next, if your worried he's gonna be hurt, angry, etc, again, why bother writing, as that means you really HAVE no choice; so you're either gonna do what's best for HIM, or what's best for YOU; if it's for HIM, no need to ask, just put up with it forever; if it's what's best for you/the child, then make the plan;  cheating doesn't justify violence, else we'd all love OJ;  as i said, see an attorney, talk to family/friends, make a plan, don't tell him anything or he might just kill you...just leave him a note...