Expert: Kriss Mitchell, M.Ed, CRC, CNHP - 6/19/2010

Question
Hi I am 24 yrs old and have been married for 1 yr 1/2 with my 27 yr old husband. We have a yr old daughter who we both adore. We rushed our marriage due to my unexpected pregnancy. I love him but I feel like I hopeless cuase of his lack of communication and interest in my feelings and emotions. We have gotten in several huge argument that have escalated to physical abuse on both of our parts. As much as I try to talk and reason w him there is no use. I feel as if I where talking to a wall. He dosent seem to take this marriage seriously and dosent seem to want to leave his old party bachelor lifestyle. He chooses his friend over me all the time and goes to stipbars knowing that I don't approve of that. I get stuck w the baby all the time. I feel as if I where a single parent and to make it worse I have been unemployed for 5 months already and he seems to think that being at home all day w the baby is a piece of cake. we both have been physical w each other several times but I don't want to have this type of relationship. I feel hurt both physicaly and verbaly. This last time I had to involve the police because he would not stop pushing me while I was carrying our baby! I have told him I am willing to go to counceling to try and save our marriage but he refuses. There is just so much I feel like we need to talk about but he is closed and absent to my emotions. His mom and other ppl from my church have talked to him and he does reason but soon fogets and goes to his old ways. I don't want a divorce because the bible says a marriage is for ever but I don't know what to do.. I need help

Answer
Dear Brenda,
One of the main answers to your question can be answered by downloading an article on my website.  Please go to www.livingwellcc.com and click on Library.  There is an article called "Whom God Has Joined" under the category of Divorce.  You need to read that.  The idea that marriage is forever when you are married to an abuser is absolutely not true.  Your Heavenly Father is not into child abuse and when your marriage contract has been broken through neglect and abuse, you have grounds to leave.  It is absolutely not OK to stay with someone who is physically abusive; it isn't safe and it isn't appropriate for your child.

I would be very happy to talk with you again after you have read the article I referred you to.  This is a difficult decision because it has many emotional components, but your job as a mother is to protect your child and you do that by protecting yourself.  There is nothing more traumatizing to a child than to helplessly watch while their primary caregiver is being abused.

If your husband will not do anything to improve the situation, then you have little alternative but to leave.  You can't change the relationship for both of you and without outside help there isn't a lot that will motivate your husband to change his behavior.  This isn't a good situation for your daughter on any level.

Please feel free to write me back if you would like to discuss this further.  I know how difficult this kind of decision is, but believe me, when abuse is involved, the Lord supports your decisions to be safe.

Blessings,  Kriss Mitchell
www.livingwellcc.com