Expert: Kriss Mitchell, M.Ed, CRC, CNHP - 6/19/2010

Question
Hello,

First off thank you for you valuable time. I am a college student who has been married for a year and in that time frame I have been living in a really abusive marriage, but somehow I can never leave. I feel so trap! There are so many reasons for me not to stay in this abusive relationship but somehow I can’t leave. I feel like I have nothing or no one to leave to, so I believe that’s why I stay. I don’t know what to do at this point. The beatings have gotten so brutal, but I never found the strength to really move on. I know the only person who can help me is MYSELF. I will explain why I say my marriage is abusive. The first beating to occur was in my senior year. I was wedded at 17; I have known my husband for few months and thought he was the one because he was so sweet at the time. Sadly, it didn’t last. When we got married he started to change and he became very violent and aggressive.  It started off my husband punching walls when he was angry. About a few weeks later he started pushing me.
I remember vividly my first beating. I caught my husband cheating on me with his ex-girlfriend and I confronted him. I asked him why he still contacted her even though we were married. He got so defensive and he started to pull my hair. As he pulled my hair he viciously spit at my face. I can still smell his bad breathe when I think about it. He roared at me as if I was his prey; he continued pulling my hair dragging me around the room as he continually spit and punched my face. The whole time I was just saying sorry and for him to let me live. I looked into his eyes while he was hitting me and I saw no soul behind those evil eyes. I saw no human or the man I loved behind those eyes. I know he has the power to kill me but I still don’t leave? Please help me. I feel so alone and ashamed, so I don’t tell anyone what I am going through. This is one of the beatings I will receive, and it feels like a habit for him. I have never strike back although at times I feel like I should protect myself. Instead I sit there helplessly and take painful blows after another. Even though I am right in the arguments when he starts getting abusive I completely shut down and let him win. I am so scare; I don’t know what to do.  Worst I feel like I fear him. Respect and fear is two while different thing and I know I don’t respect him, but I fear him. Heck, I don’t respect myself to leave. I think it’s because I don’t want to go through the process of getting a divorce and having the world laugh at me, so I sit here suffering. Please I am emotional depress and physically abusive.  I feel like a coward! Please help me, I am going crazy.

Answer
Hi Missy,
I am so sorry to hear about your situation.  It is definitely a dangerous place for you to be and in all honesty there are no words I can tell you that you probably don't already know yourself.  Most women who stay in these situations fear the perceived loneliness more than they fear the abuse so until you believe you can deal with life on your own, you will probably stay.  In the beginning, abusers groom their victims so that is why it seems that the relationship is OK.  Once the abuser is confident that they have "conquered" their victims, the abuse begins and escalates over time.

This is an incredibly scary situation and you probably won't be able to leave without some form of outside support, but you MUST leave.  This man is unable to control himself and he will probably kill you in one of these escapades, or at the very least severely hurt/maim you.  This is not a safe environment.  If you are unable to leave to save yourself, at least leave so that you don't put your husband in a situation where he may go to jail for a long time if he murders you.  This man has significant character issues if not mental health issues and you are not going to be able to change him; you don't have the proper skill set to do that.

My best advice to you Missy would be to immediately contact your local Women's Center or Domestic Violence organization and 1) get yourself some abuse counseling and 2) talk with a court advocate who can counsel you with regard to the legal rights you have in your state.  This is not a situation where you should remain passive, no matter what your feelings are.  Contact your friends and family in order to create a support network and begin working with your counselor to construct a plan to get away from this situation.  Don't hang around and wait for the next time.

If I can be of any further assistance, please feel free to contact me.  I apologize if this response seems short, but there isn't a lot more to be said when the relationship reaches this level of abuse.  You MUST leave Missy.  No one is going to laugh at you because this is not a laughing matter....more than anything you will find the world applauding you for having the courage to leave, for taking your life back and for telling this man that you will not allow him to treat you in such a despicable manner any longer.

Blessings, Kriss Mitchell
www.livingwellcc.com