Expert: Kriss Mitchell, M.Ed, CRC, CNHP - 7/9/2010

Question
I was seeing this guy, nothing serious, but we were seeing how it goes. Everything was great, we eventually were intimate. Still, everything was great. He even at one time became territorial over me, I took it as a sign of his interest. Suddenly, I notice he's distancing himself from me. Whenever I asked him if he wanted to just end it all, he would never give me a direct answer, his mixed signals started kicking in.

Skipping forward, he suddenly treats me as if I repulse him, like he has to do everything in his power to avoid touching me or being around me. I showed up at his place one night and he tells me that I have the wrong idea about us and that there is no emotion. Tyler was friendly and inviting, but now cold and dismissive. Since that night, whenever we talk or I attempt to talk to him he turns angry, irritable like and uses profanity more.

I start seeing someone else and Tyler out of nowhere starts acting like a jealous ex, but he told me there was no emotion between us, that he doesn't care about me, so why would he be provoked to waste his time arguing with another guy? I saw the messages between Tyler and the guy and a sentence that caught me was Tyler saying " I got more to lose than you do apparently", but if he's talking about me, how is that so if he didn't want me? When I confront Tyler about what he said, its like he got more angry with me and told me that we just had sex and that's it and that I was a joke and to get real with life.

I don't understand where his hostility towards me came from, I did nothing. I've sat back and thought detail by detail of our every encounter, every thing we've said and I don't know why he acts like he hates or maybe he does just not like me. He doesn't just tell me he doesn't like me. when I try to express how I feel to him, just hear me out, he tells me to shut up or ignores me. Why is he treating me this way when I never did anything, but develop feelings for him. I even thought just by his back and forth actions that it was just I don't know sexual tension or maybe he does like me, but doesn't want me to know, but none of that makes sense. Can you help me?

Answer
Dear Janine,
It is hard to make sense of something that doesn't make sense.  Emotions can be powerful motivators and when a person isn't emotionally stable in certain areas of their lives, they can be pushed over the edge by powerful encounters such as being intimate with each other.

Relationships have a definite progression that need to be followed, otherwise the bonding between two people gets messed up, for lack of better terms.  Sexual contact is supposed to come at a point in the relationship where trust has been established, people know each other very well and much of the bonding process has been accomplished.  Sexual contact is a powerful bond and when introduced early in a relationship it tends to complicate matters tremendously.  Human beings intuitively know what is supposed to happen in the bonding process and when it happens out of order, the signals become mixed and jumbled resulting in intense feelings that don't have a reference point....it's like trying to navigate across the ocean without a compass.  When that happens you get confusing responses and people don't know how to handle themselves when there are other complicated factors that get introduced into the relationship.

With that said, the individual you are describing may have some insecurities about being in a relationship to begin with, if he has to become controlling.  He may not know what to do with his feelings, he may be hurt, needing to save face and depending on how old he is, he may not know what he is supposed to do with those emotions.  The hostility may be coming from being hurt.  Having sex with someone sends a message.  No matter how much individuals want to say that sex is casual, it is not.  It effects us to the very core of our beings.  He made an attachment with you and now he isn't with you so he is angry.  

On the other hand, men are instinctively conquerors and depending on his emotional state and maturity level, he may be one of those individuals who conquer and throw away.  The sexual conquest is the ultimate victory so once that is accomplished, the hunt is over and their is no need to pursue any further.  However, a connection has been made so there is an emotional connection that hurts when the conquest is now being pursued by another person.  

These are some answers to the situation.  It is hard to tell what combination of things are at play here.  I don't think I would call this emotional abuse, it sounds as though you just have someone here who is really mixed up, doesn't know how to handle the situation and the best way to handle it is to just move on.  You aren't going to be able to fix it because you are too close to the situation and you are a source of pain in his life.  Just learn from the situation and move on.   These lessons are often hard and come at a high price.  My best wishes for the both of you as you move through the healing process.

If I can be of any further assistance, please feel free to contact me again.

Blessings,  Kriss Mitchell
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