Expert: Kriss Mitchell, M.Ed, CRC, CNHP - 7/23/2010

Question
Hi
I need some advice on what to tell my friend about her relationship with her boyfriend. She's been with her boyfriend for i think 2 years now and she has cheated on her i think once or twice. She is inlove with him but is having a hard time trusting him after this. She still goes on his cell phone and checks to see if he texts or gets sexual txt back, which he does. The guy is really nice and i belive treat her good other than cheating. She just cant get over what he did and cant seem to trust him. I dont belive she ever will and i think that they should split but i will not tell her to leave him.
What do you think i should tell her? She thinks she needs a break from him to get her head straight and i agree with that, do you think that the space could help? They talk about what he did and it seems to help her for the time being.
I just want her to be happy, shes a amazing kindhearted person that doesnt deserve to be hurt.

Answer
Hi Stacy,
Watching someone we care about deal with this kind of thing is very painful and I can see that you care about her very much.  The thing to remember here is that this is not necessarily a relationship issue, it is a character issue.  Although it is somewhat different in a dating relationship than it is with a marriage, if they have agreed to be committed to each other, then that is one thing, but it sounds as though he is not as committed to the relationship as she is and there is the problem.  The other explanation is that he just has committment issues and these kinds of character flaws are huge red flags in moving forward with a relationship.

Unfaithfulness is a breaking point that most relationships cannot overcome.  It breaks trust at a fundamental level and often individuals are not able to recover.  What is making matters worse here is that not only has he been unfaithful to her, he is continuing that behavior in written form.  There is nothing here that says he is committed to her so no matter how well he treats her, she isn't going to be able to get past the trust issue until he is able to fully commit to the relationship.  Even if he says he is sorry and still continues to be unfaithful in other ways, his words mean nothing.

If she says she needs space to get her head straight, that may be her way of easing out of the relationship and she will need support in doing that.  What that will mean to him, in my opinion, is that he is free to see other people and he will continue to behave as if he is not in a relationship, which he won't be.  The important thing to understand is that this behavior is a definite red flag and no matter how committed she thinks this relationship is, he doesn't share that same level of commitment and if that isn't what she wants, she should probably move on or back off herself.  

Stacy, the more you can support her and help her to realize that she is valuable, deserving of honor and respect, the easier it will be for her to see the light and move on.  Life is too short to spend it with someone who doesn't share your commitment and values.  

Thank you for writing and I truly wish you both well.  If you have any additional questions or concerns, please feel free to contact me again.

Blessings,  Kriss Mitchell
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