Expert: Dr.Sunu Sundar - 7/18/2010

Question
i m a pakistani girl of 25 years old ......... i had met a guy online who was pakistani as well and he was trying to hook me up and i started feeling that he was a cheater and i got to know he was already married and used girls to get money and sex. so i left him and meanwhile i had "a just friend " on net whom i used to tell everything, he used to guide me that guys are assholes etc .
after i was over with that shit which lasted only for a month without even any date , My :"just friend" started showing his interests in me . he was also pakistani but he was living abroad for his job . my just friend that he had been real upset and away from life as he had lost his love of life cuz of family issues and after that it took him two years to move on and now he was taking interest in me and he thot that i might be the one , who could be his final love. i just wanted to remain as h8is "just friends" but he refused to accept this status. and left..........i felt his absence and then i called him back and we "thus" got into relationship. which was a long distance relationship but we used to intouch 24/7 thru mobile gprs and i had my annual leaves so we used to tall all night long and then after 2 hrs i used to give hima wake up cal;l etc .
It was my first ever relationship in my life.and i was really very consious of cheating by married men because of my previous interaction with married guy . but my " just friend" who now had been become my love of life assured me of his love and committed for marriage. and assured that why would he do this bluff with me when he alredy knew how that other guy teased me.
anyway, he came to see me after 2 months and we had sex and he was the 1st man ever kissed me .
as per our culture , sex b4 marraige is prohibited and taken as sin and moreover virginity is very important ....... people expect a girl should remain virgin before marriage and losing virginity without marraige is a greatest stigma. thats y i was lil reluctant but i did it cuz my love wanted me to do that.
then he left after 3 days and he became more loving and assured me of his love and told me that he wud tal;k to his mother abt our marraige soon.
after three months he came back and we again enjoyed those dream moments. but by now i starting getting worroied why he is nt talking to his mother even he knew that my parents trying to get me married.
anyway time passed by in deeper love and affection and he told me that now he will come and then he will get us enagged as he will talk to his family. i was preparing for his arrival , one fine day just before one month of his arrival, i sent him an sms " Good morning!i love u baby,muah"
after 1.30 hour a call from his number recived by me and there was lady asking did u send sms to him.at the back he was yelling" do don this dont do this" i asked who are u and she said " u bitch i m ur mom calling" i just hung up
i dint knw wat had happned
i waited for my guy for 5 hours as wat he had to tell me.
after five hours he called me and said " dont ever fucking sms or call me everyuthing had been ruined frommy side" he said it in a veryyyy shaky and reluctant voice .

then he handed over fone to the lady asking her to switch on the speaker but she dint ......... the she said  i m his wife .... u tell why have u come into our lives. ur a sinner u r a hooker and tell me since when u r trapping him and chasing after him. at the back he was again yelling" shut tyhe fucking fone shut the fucking fone" i got so numb and dumb that i dint knw who he was addressing to ..............

i told that lady "ask him" dont ask me ....... he abused me saying...he said u had a boy frd who ditched u and he gave u a shoulder to cry on and u started chasing after him..... even though he told u that he was married

i said i dint knw he was married.....at the back he yelled " dint i tell u i was married" then his wife said God will punish u bitch u are spoiling our lives..........my husband always told u nt to bug him ...... i said he never said anything like this.....he said " dint i always ask u nt to call me or bug me?"
then that lady kept saying tell mesince when u r intouch...... and kept abusing me he kept yelling at the back" shut the fucking fone"
then i said "ask him why he used to call me while standing on praying area saying i love u ..then i told his wife " better look at urself where u let ur relationship slipped away t from ur hand which made him look around" she started abusing me like anything. i hung up
then i was DEAD...........felt too hurt that i sms back to her number saying" ask him why he said i love u ask him y he came to meet me and why he ruined my life"

after three hours he emailed " thanx for smsing and ruining my whole life now i beg u to stop calling and change ur emails ids and numbers pls"
i felt too angry...............wat the fuck...........

no apology? no guilt? just saying i ruined his life?.....knwingly that i was virging he used me.betrayed me then no guilt at all.............

i kept emailing him yelling crying taunting......... he never replied ...... after 12 days he replied abusing ....." you are fucking selfish, u ruined my life u told things to my wife now my life is burning hell..u think i m nt talking to you cuz i m guilty? wat tyhe fuck.... i wish i cud have killed u after wat have u done..... u shud be thankful that ileft u clean otherwise i wud have puclished ur intimate pics all over ........ u bitch ruined my whole life ....i love u very much but u turned out to be very ordinary u put me in hell.u never knw wat love meant.......i realize it was my mistake to love u now live ur life and leave me alone"

i was already vulnerable and hurt and i had trusted him and had faith on huis love , i started feeling guilt of those things i said to his wife........i kept emailing me saying sorry and i still love u...... he kept replying me humliating me and asking me to leave as he hates me now........then he changed his ids and said my wife got passwords of all old ids ...... once i sent email to his old id and he satrted abusing me ..nbut when i sent email with an anonymous girl's id he dint had any trouble..... he took away all my passwords and changed them and i cud nt access to my old ids .he gave me one of his extra and dormant id to email him for watever the fuck comes into my mind....... although he said he enevr wanted to see a single word from me but he was giving me favor and was helping me out so he allwoed me to send email on that id which he hardly opens twice a week...........but he always replied to my begging and loving meotional emails saying he hates me and he is buring in hell i ruined his life and he hates me etc he doesnt want to see even a words from me.....................



its been 10 months now he still say" u ruined everything u made me dead i hate u why dont u leave , i dnt want to give u 2nd chance fuckk off from my life"
i mean i ve been begging him to gimme one chance to make things work again and to fix things up.... but he keeps saying this all the time and says i will never reply to ur emails but he keeps replying..........

i told him i dnt want to break his marraige but its my hear's content that i dnt want to end up all that we had ,in hatred and contempt just gimme on chance to fix up things and then i will leave .......... if we have to be departed why ur making it a life long curse for me while putting every blame on me and leaving me in severe guilt .........


but hee keeps abusing me alot saying the same since day one ..........i even ask u always whining about that i put u in trouble why u never whined abt losing ur love? as u always claimed that u loved me but i ruined it but why u never said u feel that pain as well?
how cud u remove that love from ur heart if u really claim u loved me ...but he ignores it and keeps abusing me



now i wanna know" why he is putting every blame on me? i want u to tell me neutrally wat was my fault and abt his feeling did he ever love??? why he keeps replying me for the last 9 months though its nt even his regular id on which i email........ plz explain his behaviors

Answer
Dear Kiran

Peace be with you.

I fully empathize with you.

Take this  as  a lesson.This is the time for you to thank God that you  'escaped' from a  cruel relationship  where the man has been  using you for t selfish reasons.


He is putting every blame  on you.....this  is  a psychological reaction to  hide  his   wrong deeds.

Here you had have no  fault except believing this guy and  going so close to him before  marriage

He keeps  replying to vent out all his anger  on you because you exposed his lies.

KEEP AWAY FROM HIM AND BE  ALERT IN THE  FUTURE.PRAY TO GOD   AS OFTEN AS POSSIBLE.REPENT FOR YOUR SINS.GOD WILL HELP YOU TO HEAL AND   BEGIN A NEW LIFE.

You may contact me at outreach.matters@gmail.com  for further suggestion

-Dr.Sunu