Expert: Kriss Mitchell, M.Ed, CRC, CNHP - 7/20/2010

Question
I have been dating this man for 5 years. He started about being what I thought the best thing ever. Then about 2 years later he would get mad if I argued with him or got too snippy(his words) and would go 1-3 days without talking to me. It didn't happen all the time. About 3 months ago he went 11 days without talking to and I was all upset wondering what I did besides take up for myself. Usually when he does call he acts like nothing ever happened. He is always right and never wrong. He tries to tell me how to do things and if I reject what he says then I'm hardheaded or stupid. When I give my opinion to something he says he he didn't ask for it and doesn't want to hear. Just wants me to listen. The thing is I'm very confused. This man tells me how much he loves me and calls me 4-5 times a day. (long distance relationship)He is constantly trying to control everything I do and where I go. He doesn't want me to have any friends. He is like a recluse. He doesn't have anything to do with hardly anyone except his mom and he has a friend that he only talks to when he drinks. He drinks like one day out of the week he says to unwind. THe thing is when he does drink he's so much more communicative. He's even more loving. He never gets drunk just likes me to be there on on the phone all night. Sometimes it gets on my nerves but I do it b/c I love him. About 4 weeks ago he got mad b/c I was in a bad mood and was snippy with him and he hung up on me. I haven't heard from him yet. I called his mom b/c he tells her just about everything and she said he told her he just hasn't talked to me yet. She says he's like that with her too. He has to have everything done his way b/c he's always right and knows what's best. I don't know if hes through with us or if he's playing some kind of punishment game with me. I have never dealt with this before. What do I do? Please help me.

Answer
Dear Nicole,
I will give you the simple answer to your question first - what do I do?  Run away as fast as you can and don't look back!  This man is a classic abuser; he manipulates you, controls you, isolates you and demeans you. He has groomed you to bond with a false persona and then once you were bonded to him, the persona was dropped. There is nothing loving about that and even if he says he loves you, if this is his idea of love why would you want that in your life?  I understand how confusing it can be but in all reality, actions speak louder than words.  If he is doing these things long distance, the idea of actually being with this person should be frightening.  This man has serious issues that he needs to spend time with a counselor to overcome however that doesn't mean that there is any reason you should be treated in such a controlling and disrespectful manner.

The best thing that you can do is move out of this relationship, don't have anything more to do with this individual and then find a good abuse counselor that you can trust to help you move past what has happened to you here.  Even though he is an abuser, there is something going on with you that feeds into this behavior and allows him to treat you this way. In all reality, he has absolutely no control over you if this is truly a long distance relationship.  He can't hurt you physically, you can hang up on him at any time, you don't have to answer his emails, phone calls or anything else.  So you keep making the decision to go back and be treated dismally time and time again.  Nicole, you are worth so much more than this but until you realize it for yourself, you will find yourself at the mercy of men like this.  The relationship you describe is without life and does not provide an environment where you can grow personally.  That is one of the primary signs of a relationship that is unsustainable.  

Move on my dear and invest in yourself to become the lovely woman you were meant to be.  It is so very worth it....so much more than to spend a significant part of your life in an abusive relationship.  Heal yourself and then find a relationship with a man who will truly love you, respect and honor you.  Life is too short to spend it in an abusive relationship.

If I can be of any further assistance, please feel free to contact me.  I would encourage you to visit my blog at www.livingwellcc.blogspot.com and read through some of the articles there...especially the one on Stockholm Syndrome.  You may find the information useful.

Blessings, Kriss Mitchell
www.livingwellcc.com