Expert: Kriss Mitchell, M.Ed, CRC, CNHP - 7/21/2010

Question
First of all, thank you so dearly for your time and guidance.  My husband and I have been married for 5 years.We met in graduate school and he left a year before me. I thought he was my soulmate-witty, funny, caring, a go-getter.He cared about me. After school I moved to his state and we both started our own small businesses in healthcare and are very busy. My husband works many 12 hour days as a doctor and brings work home too. I am a radiologist and work out of my  home.

I was always the planner, creating exciting things for us to do as a couple. We traveled and had loads of fun. I also was able to give my husband lots of attention, prior to the birth of our son 29 months ago. Still, before the marriage, I noticed tendencies for my husband to be sharp in tone, impatient, and bored with our now surburban life. He called me a slob a few times, even though i was working, cleaning, and cooking for us as a couple, and still doing things together out of the home.  He would get upset and call me a "recluse" because I didn't want to go out doing stuff all the time. Told me our friends didn't want to spend time with us because of that.  We would go out some but but between work and the home there were other responsibilities too.   

After the birth of our son, of course our world was turned upside down. I did my best to divide my attention between work, husband and baby but it slowly never seemed to be enough for him, even though we would take the baby places every week and have date nights twice a month. He would compare our family to what other families were doing, like we were abnormal.

I cared for our son out of our home while running my business out of our home for the first six months of our child's life.  I didn't even get but 3 days maternity leave thanks to being self employed. He would complain that I was over the top regarding child care, that I did more than required by moms and that it was detrimental to our son.  He would scowl at me for getting right up in the morning to get the baby when baby would wake. He wanted me to stay and have sex and leave the baby there crying.  How I take so long to pack a diaper bag to go anywhere (yelling at me for this), how I change his clothes so many times a day, etc etc etc.  How I wasn't the fun woman he married. This was our first child and I had never been around small babies. We do not have family near. I would read parenting magazines and learn about what to do for newborns and I would do it, but he still insisted I was "over-the -top." He of course read nothing. I didn't try to exclude him.  I just took the lead because one of us had to do it and as a new mom, I was tranformed into a different person like all new moms. Now he feels like he has been excluded these two years.   

He would make so many rude and mean comments to me. He would call me the love of  his life but treat me terribly. He would yell about me spending all his money while he worked so hard (like I didnt' work too and I shop at Walmart/Target)- saying he was just my "Cash Cow". He began macro-managing my business saying that I wasn't doing my job and that when I didn't do my job it made him have to work harder at his. He would balk at me on the amount of money I spent at the grocery store/baby supplies but had no idea how much groceries/supplies cost for a family of 3. He would complain and say I was over the top buying safety equiptment for our home once our baby became mobile. "Let him put his hand on the stove, he will only do it once" was his response to my inquiry into buying a stove guard. Sometimes he would scream at me. He screamed at me so horribly when I got him gormet coffee mugs for his birthday and that everyone else thought more of him on his birthday than I did. The list goes on and on.....One time he was so mad, I thought he would hit me, but he didn't. His mother passed away during this time suddenly due to cancer complications. When she was diagnosed 9 months prior, he wanted me to pack everything up, home, business, and baby and move to be there for her.  He has 3 siblings and a dad in the same town as her but he never forgave me for not agreeing to move 12 hrs away. Of course he didn't visit her own his own but two times in that 9 months she was alive, and made me and the baby go with him each time. Then blamed his not going in the interim because I "wouldn't have agreed" to go with him. He had a really hard time dealing with her loss and has blamed me and yelled repeatedly for not helping him enough with grieving, but I did try to. I did the best I knew how considering I have never experience such a loss. During his mother's funeral, I got acute appendicitis and had to go to surgery.  He has told me numerous times that it wasn't fair for him because he had to be responsible for me and he couldn't grieve.  

On multiple occasions he has told me/agreed to something and then days/weeks later change his story as to what he said or agreed on and make it all my fault.  How I have no idea what he is going through at work nor how I care.  How he needs someone to make him feel like "THE MAN"- those were his words-" and that is why he stays at work so late because he is appreciated there. I think my husband has a personality disorder or is a narcissist, but our therapist does not agree.

I told him recently decided I didn't want another child.He told me that was a deal breaker, but of course he is still here. He revolted, telling me that i agreed before I married, that I also agreed I would never consider divorce, how he never would of married me, how I made a vow to him "til death do us part" and how the Bible does not allow divorce. How we owe it to our child to make this work.   

He has broke my heart. Between fights he would cry, tell me I derserve someone better then revert back to his old self.  He is a good man with a good heart. I love him dearly, but I'm not in love with him now- he killed that. I can't imagine being sexually intimate with him.

I'm a smart, strong, beautiful woman.I have been in counseling since March. We have been in counseling for 2 months separately as I have told him I needed to separate from him.  I asked him to move out and he revolted, refused and insisted on staying. So we are separated in house, he is furious he is "living in his basement and seeing his son on a schedule."  Honestly, he sees his son more now because he has to. Our son always seemed a bit of a "bother" to him up till now.  There would be times of interest but you know what I mean.  

My every cell, my heart tells me to leave.What is holding me back?Have I been abused or have I just been too sensitive?  I would stand up to him in the beginning but it just got too hard to defend my feelings after a while and I just shut down.  Denied who I am for him. I know this ultimately hurt myself and hurt my marriage.  He has threatened me that if we divorce it will be ugly, even with custody because he has lawyers.  I don't feel my husband will change. Even if he did, I have changed. I have been reconnecting with my soul and it is speaking to me to go. He is really hurting now- I hate to see his pain as I have shut myself off from him.Do you have any advice, how I may go on to choose the right decision for me, for my son, for my husband?  I know sometimes, "BAD" things come into our lives for the "BETTER." I don't think God would want me to stay in this situation because God is love and love is not what my marriage is... Why is it so hard for me to leave?

Answer
Dear Brooke,
I am so sorry to hear how difficult this has been for you.  Before I go on, I do want you to know that your instincts are very correct.  This is a bad situation, he probably won't change if he hasn't already and God does not want you to be abused.

Is there some reason that your counselor doesn't believe this is narcissism?  It could be that there isn't the context of grandiosity that narcissists exhibit.  In what you have described, he doesn't appear grandiose, he just sounds as though he is very disconnected from his heart which means there is little to no empathy or emotion.  Often things change in a relationship when children come along and there are adjustments that need to be made to accommodate that.  It sounds as though your husband needed to be the center of your attention and has not been able to share the "limelight" with another individual.  He sounds as though he needs adoration by others, which I am sorry to say, is fed by his profession.  

I'm sure it is hard for you to leave because this relationship is bonded by intimacy, a child and your dream of a happy family.  When the dream dies it is very hard and I'm so sorry.  But I can tell you that the Lord is not in to child abuse and although scripture says He doesn't like divorce, it also says that He permitted it because of the hardness of men's hearts.  Divorce is hurtful and destructive, which is why the Lord doesn't like it.  However, in biblical times the men were putting their wives out in the street or killing them in order to get out of their relationships.  The Lord could not abide that kind of behavior so He permitted divorce.  He didn't want to see His daughters treated so badly.  In Matthew, Jesus said that He did not approve of divorce for any cause, but according to Hebrew law, abuse and neglect were grounds for divorce along with adultery.  If you need an article that explains this concept, please feel free to go to my website at www.livingwellcc.com, click on Library and download the article entitled "What God Has Joined".  It explains all about this subject.

The other reason that it may be hard for you to leave is a syndrome called "Stockholm Syndrome".  In short, Stockholm Syndrome is the concept of a victim actually bonding with their abuser to the extent that they defend them and care about them.  It is a phenomenon of survival that happens when trauma and abuse are present over long periods of time. I posted a short article about it on my blog (www.livingwellcc.blogspot.com).  It may help you to understand what has happened, however it won't make it any easier to change your circumstances.

My best advice would be to invest in some abuse counseling to help you deal with the erosion of your self image.  At the same time, if you can begin developing a support network around you, it will help you to build personal resources within that help you to build that inner strength that it takes to establish the boundaries necessary for your emotional safety.  Even though your husband has been very emotionally abusive, you have not been able to establish the necessary boundaries in your life that would teach him that his behavior is unacceptable.  We teach people how to treat us over time and it is necessary to require appropriate treatment from others if they are not consistent in giving it.  If they will not change their behavior, then they lose the privilege of being in your life.  

I truly wish you well Nicole.  This is difficult no matter how you look at it, but if you are a smart, strong and beautiful woman, you will succeed and be successful in dealing with this situation.  You know what is right and wrong, you just need the inner strength and external support to be able to help you through the more difficult times.  If I can be of any further assistance, please feel free to contact me again.  Please feel free to browse the articles on my website and download any that would be of assistance.

Blessings,  Kriss Mitchell
www.livingwellcc.com
www.livingwellcc.blogspot.com