Expert: Kriss Mitchell, M.Ed, CRC, CNHP - 7/29/2010

Question
I am having terrible problems with my husband.  He wants to buy land and build a house.  I think we should find out if everything is legitimate and if the builder is telling the truth.  But every time I question anything the builder says.  He screams at me.  I found the builder has 16 complaints but when I told him he started screaming at me not to tell him what to do.  Then he told me to find out if there are complaints at the BBB. And he got mad because I wasn't doing it quick enough.  I wanted to find out if the builder was telling the truth about what he said about the mortgage.  So I asked him to ask the builder a question about it.  He started screaming at me to call him myself.  He would not give me the phone number to call him.  He started screaming that I always tell him what to do.  I don't understand why he does not want to know if we are being cheated.  We had trouble with a realtor when we bought a house in the past.  At that time I tried to question the realtor and he did the same thing to me.  It was such a bad experience then I only want to make sure everything is on the up and up.  I don't know what to do.  I don't want we will be taken advantage of again but every time I try to find out he screams at me.  I am thinking that he will make the same mistakes again and again and again. He does not understand I am trying to protect us.  He wants that I will just do everything he says without question.  He almost always do everything he says even if it hurts us.  I only say something because this is so much money to spend.

Answer
Dear H,
Obviously your husband's reaction is inappropriate for the situation.  Whenever anyone treats us with clear dishonor and disrespect there are steps to take in order to teach them that their behavior is unacceptable.  

The first step is to clearly inform the person that you do not accept this behavior and ask them to stop.  Make sure that they know what you find offensive and that you want it to stop.  If they do not stop, then you go to them a second time and let them know that this is unacceptable and suggest possible ways of dealing with the situation such as counseling with a Pastor or a counselor in order to deal with the issues at hand.  If they are unwilling to talk with someone who could help and still do not alter their behavior, then you must put boundaries in place that you are willing to enforce.  You inform him that you are not going to accept these responses anymore and if they happen you will do............  In this case it might be a simple solution; you just don't sign any papers until you are satisfied that the builder is legitimate.  He may get upset, but that's OK, he can do that.  You continue to hold your boundary until you get the information you need and then decide how to proceed from there.

We teach people how to treat us and if we don't like the treatment we are getting from someone, you must provide reinforcement to change.  You can do this by removing yourself from the situation, refusing to move forward on a project or whatever is appropriate to do according to the situation.  

It sounds as if your husband has some triggers to being controlled or perceptions that he is incapable, so the first thing to do is evaluate your history with him to take responsibility for any behavior that has been controlling or if you are questioning without basis.  If this is a hot button for him, he may interpret things as control that aren't, but even so, it is important to make sure that you are treating him with the same respect that you require of him.  If you are doing that, then set your boundaries in place and enforce the consequences.

You may also want to assure him that you are not questioning him, but trying to clarify information.  This may need to be done each time you approach a question.  Tone of voice as well as choice of words can soften communication for someone who has a particularly hot trigger.  He may just need to know that you respect him and have confidence in him, however you have some questions that need to be answered and could he point you in the right direction.  

These are just suggestions and you may have tried them already, but the key here is boundaries.  If you have them in place, be willing to enforce them or they are worthless.  I truly wish you well and if I can be of any further assistance, please feel free to contact me.

Blessings,  Kriss Mitchell
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