Expert: Kriss Mitchell, M.Ed, CRC, CNHP - 7/31/2010

Question
I really need some advice. Will a narcissistic/emotionally abusive man change? I was with a man who would push me away when he got angry. He basically would shut down and shut me out of his life, not touching me, kissing me, for weeks sometimes. It was so hurtful, I began getting anxiety over this behavior. When I ask him why he does this, he poses the question back to me asking, "Why DO I do that? You tell me?" This is the other issue as he blames me for this behavior as if I have something to do with his choosing to behave this way. It's so frustrating. Currently, we are broken up. He walked out in January and now has been begging to come back saying everything I have wanted to hear even saying he loves me which are words he never "wanted to say" to me because he didn't feel like saying them. I have been to counseling and my psychologist has labeled him a narcissist. When I look up narcissistic characteristics, he has many of them. My question is, will he change? Really? He says that he won't exude that 'pushing away' behavior if I am not accusatory. I don't even know when I am being accusatory. The whole relationship is so confusing.When he talks to me he manipulates the conversation and I don't even know what I said anymore. He tells me that he loves me and misses me and wants me back and wants to work on the issue but won't move back in. I don't know my rational feelings anymore...I really just want him to go away but he keeps coming over unexpected...stalking...It has been 6 months...there is so much more. He wants me back and I don't know why I am even considering it, but I am....

Answer
Dear Sonja,
First I want to apologize for the delay in getting back to you.  I had a family emergency last night and haven't been able to get on the computer until now.  Your question is my first priority.  

With regard to narcissists, odds are very much against change.  I can't say that there aren't those who change, there are a few and they have written books about their transformation which makes me a little suspect as to really how healed they are, but the ones who say they have changed have put in many, many years of hard, consistent work with therapists.  If this man is not seeking help from a 3rd party, I can guarantee you that he hasn't changed.  He is in this for the chase and it is the grandiosity that makes him believe that you won't be able to resist him.  If you give in and go back, the thrill of the chase will be gone, he will have proven to himself that he is a wonderful guy and you will have the same treatment that you have known from him all along.  

You seldom see a narcissist in a therapists office because they don't believe there is anything wrong with them.  However, as you have discovered, they often are VERY charming.  They know how to play the game.

Sonja, I would recommend you run away from this person as fast as you can.  Please go to my blog at www.livingwellcc.blogspot.com and check out the article that is presently listed first and then you might see how this man's "grooming" techniques have worked on you.  You have been groomed and conditioned and now you are experiencing similar "withdrawal" symptoms as someone who is addicted to gambling.  The only difference is that in this case, the payoff is love.  We are all susceptible to that.  There are also a few more articles there that might be of interest to you.  My blog is dedicated to providing information about abusive relationships.

I would also suggest that you stay in therapy to help you recover from the abuse that you have received, restore your self-worth and self image.  It will be money well spent to recover what he tried to take from you, be able to know that you are worth more than to be in the clutches of someone who is only interested in how you can serve him and his interests.  

If I can be of any further assistance, please feel free to contact me again.  I wish you well and want to encourage you that you have made a quality decision to get out of the relationship.

Blessings,  Kriss Mitchell
www.livingwellcc.com
www.livingwellcc.blogspot.com