Expert: Kriss Mitchell, M.Ed, CRC, CNHP - 7/23/2010

Question
QUESTION: i have been going out with my boyfriend for over 2 years. and has never verbally abused me... ever. however, just recently, he has has mean things to say to me. and it just started about the time he moved in with me. one time he told me, "i like bashing you in the f*ing teeth." i let it go. i didn't say anything. he has also said to me at times to "shut the f***-up." another time he poured water on my knees. and as he walked off he said, "i could f*ing punch you right now if i could get away with it." i let him go. but now he is wearing me down with apologies. and i find myself missing him... the nice part of him. please help. these are red flags... correct? or should i trust him when he said he will never do it again. but even after he has said that... he has sent me "not so nice" text messages. he was upset. i'm not sure why i love him still. i know i sound like this dumb girl. but i really am torn. my friends do not like him. his friends say i over reacted by letting him go and kicking him out. i would deeply appreciate your input. thank you!

ANSWER: You ask if you over reacted and I have to tell you in no uncertain terms that you did not.  There is an increasing tolerance for abuse in our society that is pretty frightening and some of your friends are in that population.  

Relationships need trust, safety and respect from both sides in order to grow and be healthy.  When someone is mistreating, threatening or speaking disrespectfully to their partner, the relationship is doomed to failure either because it will fall apart or the victim of abuse loses themselves and therefore cannot grow.  Self esteem, value and identity begin to erode away in relationships such as you describe so you made one of the best decisions of your life when you sent him packing.  

Abusers have a pattern of grooming their victims to create a false trust and a bond that is based on inaccurate information.  If you go to my blog at www.livingwellcc.blogspot.com, I just posted an article that deals with Stockholm Syndrome that might give you a little bit more information about why you feel the way you do and why there is such a feeling of confusion around this situation.  It is normal, but very difficult to go through and I'm so sorry you find yourself in this position.

The other thing you might find helpful is on my website at www.livingwellcc.com.  Click on the LIBRARY link and on that page, look under the ABUSE category.  You will see an article entitled "The Cycle of Domestic Violence".  Abusive relationships are very predictable and the pattern that you describe gets repeated over and over until someone gets hurt or someone leaves.  Take a look at this page and you will see a visual of the pattern that you are describing and it will make much more sense to you, I'm sure.  Abusers will apologize all day long, but what needs to happen is change and if you don't see that, words make no difference no matter what they are.  

You teach people how to treat you and if you let things go by the wayside when someone speaks in a derogatory or threatening manner to you, there is nothing to keep them from doing it again.  I would encourage you to set appropriate boundaries in this area.  There is nothing wrong with requiring others to treat you with respect and if they don't, they should not have the privilege of being in your life.  You are worth more than that.

If I can be of any further assistance to you please feel free to contact me again.  I truly wish you well and want to encourage you very strongly that you did the right thing.  His friends don't know what they are talking about.

Blessings,  Kriss Mitchell
www.livingwellcc.com
www.livingwellcc.blogspot.com

---------- FOLLOW-UP ----------

QUESTION: i just need to ask you this. so, based on 2 "hitting" statements, several said phrases of "shut the f*** up," and one water pouring on my knees, that is reason enough to leave him? is really doesn't matter if he's been really nice to me other times? (sorry, i'm just playing as they say "devil's advocate.")

Answer
Abuse escalates over time so if there is no action or intervention happening to stop this aggressive behavior, you can guarantee that it will continue and more than likely get worse over time.  

Let us put this in a different context.  If someone who you didn't know came up to you, threatened to hit you, verbally assaulted you and poured water on you, what would you do?  Would you call the police?  Would you fight back?  Threatening violence in some states is against the law so what makes this behavior acceptable when it is someone who is supposed to love and care about you?  At the very least it is disrespectful, dishonoring and intimidating bully behavior.  Is that conducive to a loving, healthy and growing relationship.  No, it isn't.  In order to have a successful relationship you have to have behavior that is congruent with what makes a relationship safe and what promotes growth for the people in it.  No one grows when abuse is present and that is enough to leave a relationship.  You don't want to continue investing in something that doesn't produce a positive return.  

I hope that makes sense to you.  These decisions are always complicated because there are so many variables, however bottom line is we want to invest our lives in careers and relationships that promote growth and life.  Abusive relationships do not.

Blessings,  Kriss Mitchell