Expert: Kriss Mitchell, M.Ed, CRC, CNHP - 8/2/2010

Question
QUESTION: My husband and I have been married for 4 years, together for 8. I can't do anything right. At first it was small stuff here and there, the past 3 years it has been everything I do. He works second shift and everynight when he gets off at midnight he expects me to get up and make supper for him and then when he is comfortable, I go back to bed. I work from sun up to sundown. When I get home from work I work around the house and take care of my daughter. By the end of the day I am exhausted. If I fall asleep on the couch he will wake me up by throwing something at me or yelling at me and then making me stay up for another hour or so. When ever I ask him what he wants for supper or what he wants to do when we have free time he will say "I dont care" if I don't chose or chose wrong he will get mad and walk out and when he comes back he picks up where he left off pouting and not speaking to me.I'm not allowed to take to my mom about problems we have because he says its none of her business. I have a very hard time opening up and talking to someone, when I finally told on of my friends he found out and I am not allowed to talk to him anymore.he won't spend time with my parents because he feels they don't like him when they have only treated him with respect. 6 mths ago I finally said enough and told him I wanted a divorce. He and his parents begged me to stay and give him another chance, he change for a little bit but is back to his old ways. I told him that I was not in love with him any more. He wants time to change and says that I will eventually fall back in love with him. Lately I have been quiet and getting more and more depressed. I feel its my fault because he is trying and I am not. His parents were emotionally and physically abusive when he was growing up and it scares me because he is acting more and more like his dad everyday. My husband is a wonderful father. My daughter is 2 and we have not had sex since she was born, mostly due to me. When I asked for a divorce I told him I didn't want to anymore because I didn't want to act like everything was fine and lead him on. Everything has to be his way and if its not he will pout or yell untill he gets his way. I walk on eggshells constantly because I don't know what will set him off. He has to know where I am and what I am doing at all times or he thinks I'm cheating on him. I'm afraid to ask him for help with anything because he just gets mad if I do. He doesn't do anything around the house, he watches tv or plays video games when he is not at work. The only time he want anything to do with my parents is when we need money and if I refuse to ask them I get yelled at. When we are out he is a completely different person. My friend says that he is abusive and I should leave. Am I overreacting?

ANSWER: Dear Steph,
No, you are not overreacting at all.  What you are experiencing is the cycle of domestic violence and it will continue to happen until something changes it.  I must correct you on one statement that you made in regard to your husband being a wonderful father.  He is not a wonderful father because he is not creating a peaceful and life giving atmosphere in his home that his children can feel safe in.  He is not treating their mother with respect and with honor which teaches them that all people deserve to be treated with dignity.  He is modeling to them that if they do something that he doesn't like, he will abuse them and they are also learning that no matter what their mother does, it is not right and that their father cannot be pleased.  This is not being even a good father, much less a wonderful one.  The relationship that you are having with him and he with you does not exist in a vacuum and your children learn from the two of you every day what its like to be married and what it is like to have relationship with the opposite sex.  Don't kid yourself.

Your husband is immature, manipulative, domineering and authoritarian.  He may be that way because that is what was modeled for him or he may be that way because he has developed a personality disorder from the abuse and neglect that he experienced as a child.  

It always amazes me when people cry for a second chance in these type of situations....as if they didn't know that what they had been doing for the previous months or years was wrong and now they are going to go through this great transformation. If they could have changed prior to the threat to divorce, then why didn't they? What is he doing to change?  Is he getting counsel from a professional or a clergyman?  Is he going through an ALANON program or an ACOA program, cognitive reconstruction or even an anger management program that will help him learn to deal with the issues that cause his present behavior?  If he is not taking steps to integrate outside help there will be no lasting change.  Asking for a second chance produces nothing without taking concrete steps for change that comes from the abuser, not the victim of the abuse.  Usually the plea for a second chance comes when the abuse victim has taken all they can take and the relationship is over.  If you are at a point where you cannot begin again, that is where you are.  Your husband had plenty of time to change prior to this and he chose not to.

Steph, the thing you have to realize is that stopping the abuse is not the same as building the relationship.  Stopping the abuse feels good, but if the person is doing little or nothing to build trust, deal with their behavioral problems and develop a heart that seeks to honor and love then your relationship is going nowhere.  It is stuck at ground zero.  If he chooses to change, then that is wonderful and I hope that he can because there is nothing more miserable than being a person who abuses others.  However, there is no reason that you have to stick around and be the doormat to every relapse that he goes through.  He can heal and change without you and if he chooses to do that, it is even better.  Does that make sense?

Please check out my blog at www.livingwellcc.blogspot.com and search through some of the postings there.  You will find a lot of information that might help you to understand that you are not wrong in wanting to be treated like a human being and that it is alright to expect to be treated that way.  If this man is unable to treat you with dignity and respect, then he loses the privilege of being in your life.  He has no right to be in your life, it is a privilege that he needs to treat gently.

You also may want to check out a website at www.bpdcentral.org that may provide you with some information that will help you as well.  If I can be of any further assistance, please feel free to contact me again.

Many blessings,  Kriss Mitchell
www.livingwellcc.com
www.livingwellcc.blogspot.com

---------- FOLLOW-UP ----------

QUESTION: Thank you very much for your advice. Ever since I told him I want a divorce he hasn't made me get up at midnight and he is letting me discuss things with my mom. I said "I love you" everynight before bed for the last 8 years and stopped when I asked for a divorce. Now he says it and gets pissed when I don't say it back. If he does do something around the house he expects me to say thank you and praise him for doing the everyday chores I have been doing by myself for the last 8 years.I just feel that maybe he is trying but I think its too late and I told him that. It took me telling him I want a divorce before anything started to change. He is slowly going back to the way he was. He said that we could go to counseling and I said that I would go if he wanted but no effort he been made. I'm exhausted and I don't want to try. Do I have a valid point for not wanting to try anymore? Is our marriage failing because he is trying and I am not?

ANSWER: Dear Steph,
No, your marriage is failing because your husband has mistreated you to the point where your feelings have died.  He has not changed his heart attitude, he has changed behavior and that cannot be maintained long term.  There are times when relationships are irretrievably broken.  Being treated like a servant who has no feelings or rights goes a long way towards killing a relationship.  Your husband has a fundamental lack of knowledge regarding women, relationships and functioning as a team.  He seems to have a severe disconnect in the empathy department and although that is very sad, it has severe and painful consequences.  

From your description he does not seem to be able to connect on a feeling level...he simply behaves in ways that he believes will get him the responses he wants and if he doesn't get them that way he demands and forces.  There is major restructuring that needs to happen here and you can see how motivated he is to contract with a third party to get help.  This is very normal behavior for an abuser and unless he is willing to dedicate himself long term to change, there is little that he will be able to sustain behavior wise.

In short...yes, you have a very valid point for not wanting to try and you are not responsible for the failure of your marriage.  You are not the abuser.

Many blessings, Kriss

---------- FOLLOW-UP ----------

QUESTION: I keep waiting for the next time he blows up at me to leave. I just want nothing more that to walk out and not look behind me. I have a great support system behind me, my parents said they would help me and support me in every way they can, but I feel I'm a big girl I should be able to handel this on my own. Why can I just leave? Run out and never look back.I feel if I just come out and say it I'm blindsiding him, which isn't fair to him. But I don't think its fair to me either.

Answer
Hi Steph,
It sounds as though you may be suffering from Stockholm Syndrome (you can find an article about that on my blog).  Yes, you are a big girl, but even big girls need help; especially with situations like these.  This is not a situation that anyone can handle alone.  You're not blindsiding him...he knows things are bad.  You certainly can wait until he blows up, but then it is more dangerous to leave.  One part of the reason you can't leave is because you won't accept the help you need to be able to get out and stay out.  

With Stockholm Syndrome, you really can't trust your feelings, you have to just act on what you know you need to do.  You don't know that you would be blindsiding him, you have just identified with him enough to say that his behavior, although unreasonable, is explainable and therefore your feelings about it don't matter.  Staying in the relationship doesn't do anything to make it better...it takes a certain amount of denial to be able to stay and you are fighting with that aspect as well.  Just take the leap, get out and know that within 6 months or so, your head will clear and you will wonder why you didn't make the move sooner.  It sounds as though you have a great family...let them help you.

Blessings, Kriss
www.livingwellcc.com
www.livingwellcc.blogspot.com