Expert: Kriss Mitchell, M.Ed, CRC, CNHP - 8/30/2010

Question
QUESTION: I have been on the Internet for the past 3 months, trying to come to terms with everything regarding my relationship with my now ex-husband of over 15 years and a recent relationship that lasted 1 1/2 years but ended a few months ago.

First I need to know if I was part of the cause of the abuse and if there is a difference between giving the "silent treatment" because you are mad or because you do it out of fear? I am asking this question because both the ex-husband and ex-boyfriend accused me of this. If I am I DO NOT want to repeat the same mistakes again...twice is more than enough! (Side note: I begged both to go to couples counseling and was told by both, they were ok, it was me with problem. They both agreed counseling would be good for me. I did go, but guess what, I tried, they didn't, and nothing changed.)

I admit there were a few times silent treatment used to get back at them but mainly felt it was a self protection device. I felt if I didn't say anything I didn't have to fear the as much emotional bull, both would just call me psycho and leave me alone for the most part.

The second question is, should the abuse be brought out in the open, if there is actual proof? The problem with hiding it is it never gets resolved and everyone thinks I am the one with the problem. They all accept his answers, such as, "Oh don't worry about her, that's just the way she is", as why I would become distant and quiet. I don't feel I was giving the "silent treatment" to him or anyone on purpose most of the time. I honestly could not speak at times and when I would try and force myself out of one of these moods I would slip deeper. I found I had to let it run its course and eventually I could see a light at the end of the tunnel and the sun would start to shine and then the hope would start to return.

Here are two scenarios I've dealt with related to the ex-husband...

My ex-husband, had a habit of finding humor in humiliating me. He says, I am over reacting and take things to seriously. Please give me your take on this subject. At his place of employment, they had what was called the "Sex Calendar". Whenever an employee had any type of sexual play, they would mark the act on the calendar and who ever had the most marks for the year would win the contest, "bragging rights". The worst part was having to face everyone at company functions. You always had the other jerks that had to make their perverted comments and would hit on me. I did ask him several times not to participate...but was told they were just having a little fun and to deal with it.

Then there was the sexual/physical abuse....mind you he never hit me. Over time he began to cheat...when he didn't fulfill quest while he was out he came home and took it out on me. After several of these encounters I became numb during these times and one night he BIT me because I couldn't/wasn't moving to full fill his needs. As to were he bit, I will leave to your imagination.

I am looking into going to counseling again...but this time I would like to go in with my eyes open and not make excuses, for myself or them.

ANSWER: Dear Elle,
I can certainly understand how confusing an abusive relationship can be.  Abuse is a complicated thing, however, the idea that an abusive relationship is blamed on one thing or another is what makes it more confusing.  Abuse takes place between two people simply because one person chooses to respond in the relationship with abuse and the other person is unable to create boundaries that will stop the abuse or is unable to leave the relationship.  In order to make sense of things, it is important to understand that each person is responsible for their own actions, feelings and responses.  

You chose to respond to a situation by withdrawing.  Whether that was out of fear or out of self defense, it is what you chose to do.  Your ex-husband chose to respond in whatever ways he chose to respond...the operative words being HE CHOSE.  There was more than one choice of response available to him, yet he chose to respond with abuse, dishonor and disrespect.  The two scenarios that you shared were examples of that. Even if you chose never to speak to him again, he still had a choice as to how he would respond.  He could have left you, he could have done nothing, he could have responded with empathy....those are all choices that were available to him.  

I said all that to help you understand that abuse is an inappropriate response to any situation and is a choice of the abuser.  With regard to your question about the "silent treatment" - in a healthy relationship, the silent treatment accomplishes very little.  Any time a person goes silent, they remove love from the person they are intimately involved with and that can be destructive.  Love is as important to us as human beings as food and air.  To a child, it is torturous when a parent ignores them...to an adult it feels similarly and can trigger loneliness, rejection and feelings of abandonment.  However, again I will reiterate this....even if your ex felt all of those things...abuse is never an option in response.  It sounds as though there was a pattern of abuse that continued on over time and you probably didn't respond by withdrawing every time.  

I hope that you understand what I'm trying to say.  Unfaithfulness, abuse and humiliating another human being say more about a person's character than their behavior.  Behavior doesn't exist in a vacuum, it results from something and that something is the person's character and value system.  Your ex-husband's character was in place long before you came along.  

I am glad to hear that you are considering investing in some counseling.  It will be beneficial for you to look at the belief system in your own life which allowed you to stay with a person like this.  The abuse wasn't your fault, but there needs to be an answer for you as to why you stayed and that may give you some clarity about the confusion that is haunting you.  You are worth more than to be treated the way your ex treated you and no matter what you may or may not have done, you did not deserve to be treated in such a humiliating and demeaning way.  

I would ask you to check out some articles on my blog that may encourage you and inform you as well.  There is no one answer that is right or wrong; there are many things that feed into an abusive relationship.  The truth is that it was not a healthy situation and by the grace of God you are free of it...neither one of you were good for each other from the way it sounds.

My best wishes are sent your way and I hope that I have been able to answer your question.  Please feel free to contact me again if you need further assistance.

Blessings,  Kriss Mitchell
www.livingwellcc.com
www.livingwellcc.blogspot.com
 


---------- FOLLOW-UP ----------

QUESTION:
Thank you very much for responding so quickly and for being direct.

Honestly, I do know what the silent treatment does to one and ones soul. For me it is one of the harshest forms of punishment. I lived with it all my life. I lost both parents at separate times before age 7 and then bounced between a few not so nice retaliative and foster care. I found that if I stayed silent basically they couldn't/wouldn't see me and that meant safety, "I had a home for another day." There was nothing worse, than waiting for the judge to make his new recommendation as to where the next place would be or when you walk in the room and people go silent, that was a clue to pack my bags. I was not abused in any of the foster homes but did not receive affection either...they were called "temporary placement" ranging from 30 days to 6 months if you got lucky.

I should mention, I am a firm believer in communication...may not be the best at it...but I do know it is the most important key to a healthy relationship. My belief is talk about it, discuss it, come to an agreement and move on. The problem is they tell me they believe this way too, but it is lip service. As I mentioned, I have used it against him a few times, but as a last resort. After the pleading, begging, praying and crying, when I just didn't know if I could stay any longer. I rarely raise my voice and have only hit back in defense.

I do know all violence it is wrong. Which is why, I needed to step back and look at the whole picture. Not just at what I want or think I see. Because, the second man I mentioned earlier was a silent abuser of the worst kind. The problem is he would not admit to doing it. He would tell me I was controlling, immature, insecure and the list went on and on. Even when I would give him solid proof he would still deny he was doing it. I found myself again begging him to go to couples counseling, pleading and crying and I was right back resorting to my closing down behavior.

He had lied to me from the get go...because of my past, I had learned to be pretty accepting of people, understand we are all human, all make mistakes, and come from all walks of life. As soon as most people hear, "raised in foster care" the red flags go up, like I am damaged goods. So, I try to give most people the benefit of the doubt and a fair chance.

He had told me he had been in a couple of bad marriages, one was very abusive towards him, he became a born again Christian and was much happier in life. That was all I knew for several months. Other than he had put himself back through school and open his own business two years before. To me he sounded like he knew what he wanted and didn't want in his next relationship. We click right from the beginning, or so I thought. We could talk for hours about anything and we enjoyed doing several different things together. He opened up a new way of life for me. Instead of talking about doing things we actually did them. I was happy for the most part, I even bought a motorcycle so we could ride together. (no he doesn't belong to any clubs)

Then I realized he wouldn't talk more than a few minutes about our relationship before he would side track us and things had to be done on his terms. I explained to him there wasn't much I hadn't seen with the way I grew up and felt there were things he wasn't telling me. Over time he started opening up. Slowly, I found out he is an (ex)alcoholic, had more than a handful of DUI's, did prison time, both he and the one ex had been arrested for spousal abuse. He couldn't/wouldn't to be intimate, he was very secretive, constinantly said one thing and did another. If he asked what I would like to do, he would twist it to where we did what he wanted or we wouldn't do anything. He would preach to me and his family about how everyone was not happy except for him. (did I forget to mention, he also became an ordained minister, seriously)  He would only say I love you through text, e-mail or IM, but only if I said it first,...then we began talking about moving in and buying a house together. I my gut told me there was still more he was not telling me...but honestly I didn't think it was something I couldn't handle. I thought it was something pretty traumatic, such as sexual abuse as a child...but as usual I found myself saying just be patient and he will open up when he is ready. Then one day it was over, just like that. I was so confused, lost and in denial and still am kind of. I finally talked to a friend and she told me he sounded narcissistic. I talked to some of his family and friends, what an eye opener. I was told that he lies and fabricates stories, is actually very selfish unless he wants something, he has a tendency to just walk away if you don't have anything to offer him he has been this way since he was a child. He may or may not come back and found out at least part of his intimacy issues and what he is into. Thanks, but no thanks. I still think about him all the time and I think apart of me always will. Right now I don't know whether to pity him or feel blessed that he is gone.

I am not wanting to make excuses and I do think you are right about myself not being able to set boundaries or at least sticking to them. Funny thing is, I just returned home from an Alanon meeting and it was there I heard for the first time "setting boundaries for ones self". It does make sense and is the one thing I took away from the meeting. Now I need to learn how to put it into place in my life and learn more and not feel bad for doing so. I know I can never go through that type of relationship again.

Answer
Dear Elle,
Thank you for sharing so much of yourself with me.  I can truly understand how difficult setting boundaries might be for you considering what you went through in your formative years.  Growing up in the foster care system doesn't give you a model for having boundaries at all...if you set them, you end up with people thinking you are being uncooperative.  It is a very tough situation, but the good news is that you are an adult and you can begin to get the help you are asking for to reconstruct those healthy patterns in your life now.

Abuse in relationships creates a pattern of variable and intermittent reinforcement which, when you understand that love is the prize, is a very difficult conditioning to overcome.  I don't want to sound like a broken record, but on my blog (www.livingwellcc.blogspot.com) you can find an article about intermittent conditioning.  It explains the problem you have with regard to thinking about this recent relationship all the time.  In some respects, abusers hold their love as payoff for good behavior, similar to playing a slot machine.  With slots, the payoff comes in variable amounts at intermittent times.  This sets up the strongest level of addiction to the payoff known to a human being.  The reason is because it reinforces the idea that there is hope for more.  We are created for love and we thrive on hope...therefore abuse is the perfect storm, so to speak.  If you look on my blog, I think the title of the article is "Why is it so hard to leave?" or you can search the website for the words variable or intermittent and you'll come up with it.  Yes, he was abusive, but there isn't a lot wrong with your response, except that it draws you back in to an unhealthy relationship and the definition of love may need to be adjusted.

Thank you for writing back and I hope the blog information is helpful to you.  That is one reason why I use the blog...there is much more information that is needed than I can put in a response here.  It's a good source of information so please feel free to research it as you need to.

Blessings,  Kriss Mitchell
www.livingwellcc.com
www.livingwellcc.blogspot.com