Expert: Kriss Mitchell, M.Ed, CRC, CNHP - 8/17/2010

Question
I have this friend that I love very much but I never told her that, she is with this jerk of a boyfriend that talks down to her and when he gets angry he breaks things, doesn’t let her out of the house much either.  They got into a fight this past weekend she seemed sad and told me she will never find anyone decent.  The reason I think the fight was about was a week ago on Tuesday night  me, her, and a few of our friends went out to a bar to hang out and talk he showed up later, she invited him so it wasn’t like he didn’t know about it he didn’t want to go at first but I guess changed his mind later and showed up he didn’t sound happy or looked happy at all.  She was talking to me about work because we work at the same place and it’s a tough stressful place to work for she wanted to talk about work to try to vent out the stress than he yelled at her why are you talking about that place I’m sick and tired of hearing that place then he said F that place at her face I didn’t say anything but I thought in my head what is his problem she was talking to me not to him.  Then afterwards they left she told me she had to go we hugged and said I’m sorry your with a douche she said “I know but he’ll be gone soon”, then I asked why are you with him?  She said because I’m stupid then she told me to have a good night.  Couple days later on Thursday she told me they got into a fight and she was at work looking very sad and saying she will never find anyone decent that same day she told me that she wants to pack up her things and move out, she was texting her boyfriend also telling him that, I was trying to do the best I can to cheer her up.  Saturday I saw her again and she told me yeah she is packing her things and told me a lot of stuff got broken.  I try to cheer her up the best I can I made her food to cheer her up and talked to listened to her so she has someone to talk to so she could relieve the stress.  I love her very much I wish she wasn’t with the guy I know he is a jack hole and he talks down to her even one of her friends said that he’s a jerk I asked them how can she put up with that they told me, she just puts up with it. People even told me he uses steroids to get those big muscles I know people like that are not safe to be around.  The other day I asked her if she still with him.  She disappointedly said “Yes”.  And I said “Oh”  then she told me “It’s not what your thinking, It’s not like that.”  What did she mean by that?  I know I could ask her myself but I don’t want to keep asking so many questions about her relationship I feel like a pest.  My sister told me she meant by they are not broken up just trying to keep their distance like a break from each other but there still together.  But doesn’t moving out mean there broken up I wish she could find someone else I even told her that she will find a decent guy if she just keeps looking but she told me “I will never find a decent guy because of the type of girl I am”  Best thing I can do now is be there for her when she is down but I feel like I should do something else besides that what should I do?  I think she could do better.  I thought moving out means there broken up.  I don’t know.

I’m 25 she’s 22.


Answer
Dear Thomas,
I understand the position you are in as anyone who cares about someone who is in an abusive relationship feels that way.  It is a very powerless feeling, mainly because there is little you can do other than be there to help and support until the person finally decides to leave.  

It is sure that she can do better, but unless she thinks she can, she will more than likely settle for those individuals who don't treat her very well.  What she meant by "I will never find a decent guy because of the type of girl I am" speaks volumes about how she views herself.  Women who don't have good self esteem seldom require honorable treatment from others and there are many individuals out there who are willing to mirror back to them what they believe about themselves.

She is falling victim to the Cycle of Domestic Abuse which is perpetuated by the abuser constantly apologizing, or assuring the victim that whatever happened will not happen again, things will change.  If you will go to my website at www.livingwellcc.com and download the article from the "Library" that is entitled Cycle of Domestic Violence" you can show that to her and let her see what she is doing.  That may help her to wake up.  If she does, encourage her to go to her nearest Women's Center or Domestic Violence shelter and seek out some abuse counseling.  She needs to be in a healing environment with someone who can educate her about the kind of relationship she is in and what to do about it.  In these situations, you can't rely on feelings, you have to get out, get safe and let the chips fall where they may.  

You are right....anyone taking steroids is a danger and she needs to pay attention to that.  However, she probably is unable to see anything past the need that he fills in her life.  She doesn't believe that anyone else will love her so she has decided to settle.  However, it isn't too late for her if she can talk to the right people.

I also have a blog that may provide some good information for her or you if you'd like to explore it.  If you are a spiritual person, pray for her.  I truly wish you the best and if you feel you need further assistance, please feel free to contact me.

Blessings, Kriss Mitchell
Website:  www.livingwellcc.com
Blog:  www.livingwellcc.blogspot.com