Expert: Kriss Mitchell, M.Ed, CRC, CNHP - 8/11/2010

Question
I have been married since 1975.
In the past 10 months, I had a stroke and also thyroid cancer. I also have a hole in my heart that can only be fixed thru open heart surgery and the risks outweigh the benefits at this time.
Despite the above health history, I am doing well.
I was never a thin gal, I currently am 190 lbs and 5'6".......I gained weight during the above incidents.
My husband does not wish to have any sexual contact with me. He tells me that it is because I am fat.  He tells me that if I am interested in having sex  that I will need to be the aggressor.  After what he says to me about my weight, I feel badly and would not even think about approaching him.  His focus is predominantly on my weight and he thinks that is OUR MAIN PROBLEM..........It is not our only issue.  I think he has the right to desire a thinner wife and I am eating nutritiously and on the treadmill DAILY but I am not able to lift weights per the cardiologist. I would like to make this relationship - into a great relationship and yet I can't lose 60 lbs overnight and he harps on me on a very consistent basis about when I am going to be thin........He has love handles and a small pot belly and he chalks it up to his age.  So what are your thoughts.........Is there a way to make this better or am I wasting my time.  He continues to share with me that he loves me - he just tells me that he would like me to lose weight and get in shape..........I do not feel his love what I feel is his criticalness and his double standards, etc. He does go on and on about my weight - it seems to be his primary focus and he has no trouble telling me how unhappy he is and how I need to lose weight and get in shape "like my life depended on it".........those are his exact words........He thinks that I should spend my day at the gym doing all kinds of aerobic activity and getting a model body.  I have NO interest in keeping him in this marriage.  I tell him all the time that if he is not happy we can go our separate ways and his response is "why don't you want to lose weight - why don't you just lose weight?" Candidly, I think that once I lose the weight - it will not be enough weight and then he will start harping on me about how I dress........He basically wants an arm piece and eye candy and I have an attractive face but I am overweight by any one standards...........My hope is that I have given you enough info to respond, If I have left out some important information - please let me know


Answer
Dear Kadie,
I am so sorry to hear about the health struggles that you are having, as well as those in your personal relationship.  Giving your husband the benefit of the doubt, he may be struggling with fear of losing you which makes him focus exclusively on your weight.  However, beyond that, he is being incredibly insensitive.

At this point, weight is not the issue....your life is the issue and the situation is not about him or even about what he wants....not even a little bit.  Most people in this country are over weight, not to say that it is a healthy condition to be in but I would wonder, with a hole in your heart, what the risks are for you to be doing cardio exercises?  

It is true that men are much more visual than women, however after being connected to someone for even a few years, a relationship and connection will deepen to where the connection becomes much less about what a person looks like and more about a connection that is heart to heart, spirit to spirit.  As human beings, the deeper connection is made to who we are on the inside than what we look like on the outside.  It seems that is a lesson your husband has yet to learn.  There is a difference between an overweight person who does not take care of themselves hygienically, is depressed and perhaps doesn't dress well etc.  That is not appealing to anyone for obvious reasons.  But you do not sound as though this is a problem for you.  

Your husband does not understand that criticism is a de-motivator.  When someone is harped on and criticized, they become hopeless and the motivation to do anything goes away in most cases.  If he was on the other end of his challenging behavior, he might not think he is too fun to live with either.

My opinion regarding weight loss is this....our struggle with weight as a nation is in direct proportion to several things.  The amount of toxins in our food, the amount of processed food that the body has to deal with (our bodies don't know what to do with fake food) and how sedentary our lives have become.  If we are not healthy, if our body is challenged by inflammation, it will be much, much more difficult to lose weight.  Toxicity and inflammation combined with lack of motion is a deadly equation for weight loss permanently.  The goal needs to be getting healthy and once that is done, the weight will follow.  If your husband doesn't understand that, he is missing the boat on several levels.  Shows such as The Biggest Loser tend to minimize what goes on behind the scenes with these overweight people.  They emphasize exercise, but there is much more going on behind the camera that we don't see...especially the amount of time that goes by and the science behind the food preparation.  For example, did you know that one of the ways to enhance the body's ability to burn fat is to supply it with good fats....not to cut fat out of the diet.  Another fact is that we must vary our diet and caloric intake from day to day.  Losing weight is not easy and to simply tell an overweight person to exercise more and eat less is very simplistic and uninformed.  Low calorie diets don't work...our bodies need nutrition and calories to be able to function correctly.  Susan Powter had it right back in the 1980's...you have to eat to lose weight.

Work with your doctor to get healthy, perhaps work with a nutritionist...not necessarily a dietician, and do this for yourself, at your pace and in a way that is healthy for you.  Your husband needs to stop criticizing you and become an encourager...in ways that work for you, not him.  This isn't about him, in any way, shape or form.  

I hope this has helped to encourage you.  If I can be of any further assistance, please feel free to contact me.

Blessings,  Kriss Mitchell
Website:  www.livingwellcc.com
Blog:  www.livingwellcc.blogspot.com