Expert: David Simonsen - 8/17/2010

Question
Since the death of my husbands step mother, we have had to have more contact with his dad who has a bad case of NPD.  He was also a heavy drinker and abusive to my husband as a child.  My husband's mother left when he was 10 just after the death of his sister who was 12.  Anyway, my father in law often makes unreasonable requests which my husband usually accomodates. Even setting up a double date to dinner for him with his girlfriends daughter while I was out of town.  He will yell at me, try to hit me, tell me he isnt eating this shit etc.  He has also tried to approach me improperly sexually on several occasions.  Though I can take care of myself and I am not afraid of this now 89 yr old man, (this has been going on for a 25 yrs now) it would still be nice if my husband would shut him down and not expect me to just endure what ever his dad dishes out. My husband says, "he's just an old man and it only last for a few minutes, why cant you just put up with it?  Why do you care what he says" He tells me that he reprimands his dad in private but this is always after he has been allowed to throw his tantrum at me. The latest thing is that my husband keeps his dad's financial records in his truck for the last 4 years or so.  Since then he guards his truck keys with his life and I am not allowed to ride in or open his truck.  He hides his keys during his shower or when he is sleeping.  He makes comments that sound extremely childish, i.e. "I dont want you to see my daddy's stuff". His truck is packed full and you couldnt get another thing into it if you tried. Yesterday he told me that he needed to get his father's permission before I could see inside his truck.  It was ridiculous.  I sat in the bed of the truck calmly but persistantly for 5 hours and would not let him leave for work until he finally opened it revealing one huge mess. I offered him an empty lockable file cabinet and offered to help him clean it out and not look at the bank statements if he wanted.  I truly dont care about his Dads finances. This is a company truck and I am concerned about his reputation at work.  My husbands office looks the same as his truck. He wont even throw sale papers and junk mail away. Our house has many areas that are extremely messy due to hoarding as well. I am tired of this hoarding but can deal with that better that the secrecy and his alliance with his father. I am his wife and his loyalty should be with me.  I know about his father's assets already and they are not enough to put up with him! My husband is usually kind and good to me in many other ways, but this relationship with his father, him always taking his father's side is hurting our relationship.  Its hard to see my loving husband revert to 5 yr old behavior when the subject of his father is addressed or his father is present.  Is there anything that I can do to help this situation?

Answer
Barbara,
You have put up with it for 25 years so why now do you have a problem with it? Your husband probably doesn't take your seriously since you have put up with it for so long. I suggest marital therapy, but he probably won't go so that means your stuck. If you guys don't go to therapy then I think you should just put up with it and live your life. Limit contact with your FIL and when he starts to act up just leave his presence. There is not much you can do given the fact that you have been part of this for so long. To simply change it will be a bit difficult.
David
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