Expert: Kriss Mitchell, M.Ed, CRC, CNHP - 8/8/2010

Question
My husband and father of 4 kids has left our house, after I told him I could not take the verbal and emotional abuse anymore. He has also physically abused the children in the past, although he is remorseful and is unlikely to do it again. Since leaving, his behaviour has been a mixture of pleading, promises to change, being extra-nice, saying sorry and seething when his opinions aren't listened to. He has also suddenly been a lot more involved in church, turning up at prayer meetings, being committed to small groups, etc. I think he just wants sympathy but his friends think he is changing and are praying for me to change my mind. He says that now he is doing everything he can to change, including looking into his past (which he hated doing before) and seeking God. He keeps wanting me to help him by directing to the right sources, while I want to keep contact to a minimum because every time we talk I end up feeling distressed.

Since leaving, my mind is clearer but now, several months later, I am finding myself getting angry very easily. Every time I see him, his manipulation angers me and I can't seem to respond graciously. I also find myself raging easily at my children, which is very worrying as I separated to help them heal. Is my anger due to unforgiveness?

Answer
Dear Hope,
You ask about unforgiveness being a reason for your anger and I'm sure there is a certain amount of that.  However anger is a secondary emotion and usually covers up whatever primary emotion you are feeling.  Take some time when the anger comes up to ask the Lord what you are really feeling, or if that isn't something that works for you, try journaling or just talking with a trusted friend.

Primary emotions that could be linked to your situation are fear, disrespect, dishonor, shame or things like that.  Manipulation by your husband may also be triggering a feeling of being powerless or helpless to get away from him.  

The situation you are describing is a very common one.  The abuser who has found himself in a situation where he cannot control anymore begins manipulating in any form that s/he can.  They will usually say or do anything that the victim has expressed as a need in the past and men who have Christian wives will often have a resurgence of faith in God and will begin to live a "perfect" life that may look like a re-dedication or even a salvation experience.  The key here Hope is that he is coming to you for help.  People who truly understand what they have done to abuse another person rarely go to their victims for help.  They take responsibility to find the help they need for themselves and then when they believe they are healed, have the confirmation from others (professionals, pastors etc) and have a track record of change behind them, that person will come to their victim and ask for forgiveness.

Restitution is the key in restoration of any kind.  Let me give you an example.  Say your next door neighbor asks to borrow your lawn mower.  The next day your neighbor returns it and it has a broken blade...the neighbor says, "I'm sorry, but while I was mowing my lawn, the blade broke and I wasn't able to finish my lawn.  Thanks for letting me borrow it."  How likely would it be that you would let your neighbor borrow the mower again?  Probably slim to none, right?

OK, same scenario but this time the neighbor brings back the mower, says he broke it but says that he had it repaired, thanks you and leaves.  If he asks to borrow it again, you may consider it but you would still wonder if he was going to break it again.  You might wonder how he broke it, if he was going to do the same thing again and then understand that even though the mower was repaired, you still have a mower that was broken and repaired.

But...what if your neighbor came to you and said, "I broke your mower and I felt so badly that I went out and purchased a brand new mower for you and replaced the broken one.  Please forgive me and I hope this will restore you fully."  Would you even give a second thought if your neighbor asked you to borrow anything of yours again?  Do you see the difference?

Someone who understands the loss they have caused will not ask for more from the person who has been wronged.  They will not perform antics and disrespect requests....Empathy is the key to restitution.  If you feel distressed after contact with him, whatever is happening is not restitution, it is more than likely manipulation and pressure.

Lastly, it is important to know the difference between remorse and repentance.  Repentance means a 180 degree change, never engaging in the behavior again.  Remorse is sadness because you got caught.

If I can be of any further assistance, please feel free to contact me.  I also encourage you to check out my blog at www.livingwellcc.blogspot.com .  There are many articles there that you might find helpful.

Blessings,  Kriss Mitchell
Website:  www.livingwellcc.com
Blog:  www.livingwellcc.blogspot.com