Expert: Kriss Mitchell, M.Ed, CRC, CNHP - 9/3/2010

Question
So I just recently got divorced from a very verbally, emotionally, controlling and at then end physically violent spouse. I am in counseling to work on healing from these issues and it has been going well. I have meet a man that from the beginning seemed to be the night in shinning Armour. He was sweet, kind, very attentive and willing to talk for hours with my about my past because he wanted to help me through the recovery process. Recently though I have been picking up clues that something is not quite right. For example he is doing favors for me that I don't ask for and expects great praise for doing them. He changed his work schedule so we could spend more time together and it will take away from some of his income during the month and he reminds me that he did it for me even though I didn't ask him to do it. He is naggy, picks on me often and when I ask him why he does it, he says I just take is so well and it is fun, but it gets to be draining after a while. We play wrestle which is fine, but he is aggressive at times and when I tell him its hurting he says I am being overly sensitive. He has raised his fist to me while "playing" stating do you want me to punch you and then says he is just joking and that he would never hit me ever. We have had a few instances lately also where I have asked him about these behaviors and what they mean, his response is that since I have been abused in the past that I now think everyone is abusing me and if I let my  ex husband treat me like that, why can't he. He has also broken material things due to his anger. I have never witnessed him breaking objects, but I have seen the end result, his cell phone smashed when he tried to put his hand through the floor and most recently on a trip we took together, we were late to the airport and he hit the windshield of his vehicle till it cracked and shattered because somehow I made us late, even though we left on time and traffic slowed us down considerably. I again asked him about this behavior and made it clear that I understand that everyone gets upset but that that amount of anger made me nervous that something could happen in the future. He told me that he would never show it in front of me, he would never hurt me and he would always have his "anger issue" away from others and then he would feel much better. The problem again is after him doing that he still was taking stuff out on me, still blaming me and just being disrespectful. We have discussed his behavior many times and he was very hurt that I could even think for a minute that he could be abusive, he has never heard it from any other significant other and that I am again just over sensitive because of my past. Because he was so hurt by me pointing out his behaviors he really started being disrespectful and stated that he wanted to hurt me as badly as I hurt him so he used me as an emotional punching bag to take out his frustrations. I recently was to the point of not being able to handle it any longer and asked him for a break. It has been very nice to have some time alone and from all the research and materials that I have read because of my previous marriage, I feel that I got sucked into another abusive relationship. Even almost much more so than my ex spouse, which I didn't think was possible because he feels it's okay to treat me like that because of my past. I think my question is,is my gut instinct correct. I feel so much better being separated from him, he was draining me and sucking the life out of me. But as most abusers are great at doing they instill doubt in your judgement and I guess I am just seeking reassurance that I made the right decision and that my past has not made me into a hypersensitive, overreacting individual. Thank you for all your time and I wish I would have found this site years ago.  

Answer
Hi Becca,
The first thing I want to say to you is that there is nothing wrong with your gut instincts and everything you reasoned out is absolutely correct.  This man is in deep denial about his anger, his promises are text book and to treat someone who has just come out of a past where she has been abused with such obviously abusive behavior and then justify it because of your past is just beyond horrible.  Anyone with a speck of honor in his heart would do everything they could to stay AWAY from behavior that could even be construed as abusive, knowing you would be sensitive to it.

Your best course of action is to drop this guy like a dirty sock, walk away and don't look back.  He's got an anger problem and if he believes that it will remain hidden, he's kidding himself.  Anger on that level only escalates.  It is already coming out in the "jokes" that he is participating in....jokes that aren't funny, aren't jokes...

You aren't overreacting and even though you might be somewhat hypersensitive, after what you have been through there is nothing wrong with that.  You are working towards healing and hypersensitivity would be expected in the beginnings of that process.  Trust your gut...you feel better without him and there is a reason for that.  Trusting yourself is part of the healing process.  Anyone who comes on like a knight in shining armor can't be true in the long run...all we have are human beings who either treat others with respect or they don't.  You want to be on the side of honor and respect.

If you need any more information, please feel free to investigate my blog at www.livingwellcc.blogspot.com.  I have many, many articles that can help you as you move through this process...explaining the whys and the why nots of abusive relationships.  There is one that deals with how to spot a dangerous man that you might want to take a look at.  Please feel free to browse as you need to.

If I can be of any further assistance, please feel free to contact me again.

Many blessings,  Kriss Mitchell
www.livingwellcc.com
www.livingwellcc.blogspot.com